I Sing the Mayhem Electric

Time to Bitch

2009-07-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, Caroline complained that I hadn't blogged since March. Like Zach, I've started so many of these that I just haven't finished. But here's what's going on right at this moment:

I'm sick. I haven't been sick in two years. It's the shittiest of colds, and it's been going for a week now. I know, waaa waaa, but you forget when you're healthy this long how much this stuff sucks! All the meds, the kleenex, the sore throat... And can we talk about mucus for a moment? Sorry, I know this is gross, but we all deal with it. I am So. Tired. Of coughing. Up. Gunk. Really. My head and lungs are NOT big enough to hold all this stuff. I just keep hocking it up again and again. *Cough* cough* *gak* WHERE DOES IT ALL COME FROM???

So there's been that. And what do I wake up with this morning? Pink Eye! Yup, in addition to being sick, I'm grody. So there's that. Oh, and I started my period today. I'm so full of win I can't even stand it.

I had to skip out on seeing No Doubt tonight because of all of this. Yet another way I know I've become a grown up: I'm not even that upset about it. Well, I am, but I feel crappy enough that I know it's best for me to stay home and recooperate than to rally and go to the show and stay up late.

I've had some boy messiness. Long, long story. The gist: man who's drifted in and out of my life for the last seven years, turns out, not quite as involved as I'd thought. Oh, he's into me plenty, but not in any committed way. Or rather, in a way that could lead to a commitment. We're still talking it out, but really, thanks for playing, asshole.

This has all been in the last week. There's more to talk about, but I think this is enough for now. I can go into the Wyo house being sold (bad) and the upcoming two year anniversary of my comedy show (good) and that I'm hosting it (yikes) another time.

Hello?

2009-03-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

Does anyone still read this anymore? Make yourselves heard.

Wherein I Gush Just A Little Bit More...

2009-01-21T23:04:00.001-08:00

I just can't get enough of our new President and his amazing family.

Don't you just want to be friends with them??

Well hello, Mr. & Mrs. Gorgeous. By the way, I heard today on the news that Michelle liked the color because "it looked like it contained sunshine". STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU, MICHELLE!

*Sigh*

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

2009-01-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe it. I feel like we got away with something. Really? Really? The guy I wanted to win, the one who came up from nothing, worked his way through two Ivy League degrees, gave up his fancy law job in NY to work as a Community Organizer in Chicago's South Side, the one who was smart enough to pick someone equally impressive as his romantic partner, who remains calm under pressure, thinks on his feet but doesn't shoot from the hip, who's smart - really fucking smart, thoroughly competent, open-minded, confident without being egotistical, THAT guy won?

YES HE DID!!!

Beyonce - Crazy In Love!!

2009-01-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

Bless her heart, she sums it up so nicely.

Yummy!

2009-01-10T11:57:00.001-08:00

You guys, this stuff is amazing! If this were five years ago and I was a douchebag, I'd say it was "da bomb". It's the only diet soda that comes remotely close to tasting like regular soda. PLUS, it has no caffeine, so you can drink it at night with your pizza and not twich like a crack whore until 3AM.

Well done, A&W, well done.

The Truth

2009-01-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

This is what my Facebook page would look like if I really posted what was going on currently:

Jen has not shaved her legs in five weeks. 8 minutes ago

Jen still has not unpacked from her trip, after arriving home six days ago. 17 hours ago

Jen has created three piles of mail on her couch: junk, crap I should read eventually, and bills to deal with only when I absolutely have to. 23 hours ago

Jen hasn't had a real meal all day, and has instead just snacked on crackers and peanut butter. yesterday

Jen thought that taking a month off from doing her show would rejuvenate her for the new year, but instead, she continues to procrastinate booking it. 2 days ago

Jen has ignored her To Do list for two weeks. four days ago

Jen has successfully balanced four drinking glasses in a Jenga-like fashion on her coffeetable. two weeks ago

R.I.P. Abby

2008-12-27T22:24:00.001-08:00

Oh puppy, it's not fair. You were taken too soon. Eight years isn't long enough. :(

I Will Survive!

2008-10-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

This is awesome: 8 Ways To Survive The Next 8 Days

One week and one day. I seriously need to take this advice to heart. Get away from CNN. Stop watching Rachel Maddow. Push the newspaper aside. If this is what being on top of the news is like, no thanks. I'll stick to reading Defamer.

Good To Know

2008-09-24T09:55:00.001-07:00

47 seconds

Hey You! The Rock Steady Crew!

2008-08-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

Christmas is around the corner, bitches, and I think you can guess what I want.

Oh, hello!

2008-08-14T22:35:00.001-07:00

Finally took this off of my phone. This is from a couple of months ago when Broccoli and I went to see El Goldblum-o play some jazz.

Next Up...

2008-08-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

#112 - Celebrating the one-year anniversary of Rec Room Comedy, my greatest professional accomplishment to date, with some of my best friends in a packed house.

#113 - Hosting and doing stand-up for the first time, and actually doing pretty well.

More Up!

2008-07-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

93. In the Pineapple Express commercial, when Seth Rogan puts his gun to his nose and says it smells like tapioca.
93. "Ghostwriter (Remix)" - RJD2
94. Jasmine's sense of humor, and her willingness to accept the people in her life the way they are
95. Seeing how naturally Caroline has taken to motherhood, and what a good job she and KB are doing with Nolan
96. Guacamole parties with cool, new people
97. Julie's success, and her happy life with Andrew
98. Watching Red Sox games with Casey
99. Eating at Toi on Sunset with Jody
100. Listening to Todd's funny outlook on life
101. My consistent, 24-year friendship with Amy
102. Swedes, Please
103. Going to shows at UCB-LA
104. Fat babies
105. Bagel Nosh in Santa Monica - FINALLY good, NY-ish bagels in LA
106. Driving down San Vicente Blvd on the Westside and hitting only green lights until 26th st.
107. The fact that even after 12 years, I still have to sometimes pinch myself when I drive down Sunset Blvd to believe that I live here
108. Pane e Vino
109. That clean laundry can sometimes feel like a new wardrobe
110. The miraculous birth and good health of Teagan
111. Jen-Jen's car dance to the Backstreet Boys

Up?

2008-07-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

55. Hibachi House frozen Chinese food
56. Henryetta, my favorite stuffed animal and my most prized possession
57. Tejava iced tea
58. Clueless
59. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion
60. "Letters from LA" - short story in The Informers, by Bret Easton Ellis
61. Talking shop
62. How quiet Santa Monica can get at 9:30pm
63. Three-way IMs with Dru & Joy
64. A good haircut
65. Christmas decorations at any mall
66. Having coffee with my friend Jeff
67. The Friends Thanksgiving episode where Rachel makes the trifle and Phoebe dreams of Jacques Custeau
68. School supplies
69. Reading a really introspective quote about love or life or disappointment that makes me reflect on my own
70. Really good-fitting underwear
71. Listening to comedians drop their cynical nature to talk about other comics they really admire
72. Knowing in my gut that I made the right decision
73. Robert Downey, Jr.
74. Ryan Adams' Gold
75. Getting enough sun on my face to make my cheeks pink
76. Revolving restaurants
77. A meal of a sandwich, a cookie, and a beer
78. The scattered moments that last about 90 seconds when I think that I might actually know what I'm doing
79. The ballet of umbrellas in NYC when it rains
80. Being old enough to know that I know nothing
81.Wine from 2004
82. "Aristotle with the Bust of Homer" -Rembrandt painting in Gallery 13 at the Met in NY
83. The Fricke Museum in NY
84. REM, and how Automatic for the People takes me back to college unlike any other album
85. Knowing that Los Angeles is my home
86. The Black Crows cover of "Hard to Handle"
87. Shopping with Amy and allowing her to talk me into buying things I don't want, and then later on realizing she's right
88. Having Broccoli in LA and seeing her appreciate all the great stuff the city has to offer
89. Riding in Victoria's convertible down Sunset Bl.
90. Free wi-fi
91. Make-up days at Barneys with girlfriends
92. Friends who make an attempt to understand why I am the way I am or why I do the things I do in the way I do them, and love me anyway

Down

2008-07-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

I just came back from hanging with an old friend who I don't see enough. We went for happy hour sushi and drinks at a place right around the corner from me, then went to a bar across town that has a bunch of video games. Some of them didn't work, and we were the only ones in there, but we'd been talking about going there for so long...

Maybe that was part of the let-down. I'm here at home now, and I'm kind of bummed for reasons I can't put my finger on. I have a lot of stress going on right now, so that's probably some of it, but it feels like I'm more sensitive to it at this moment for some reason. I'm aware that I'm down, I don't really know why, and I don't really know what to do about it. So I'm sad.

But I know that there are many things to be happy about. There's a comic, Tom Rhodes (you may remember a Saturday morning show many years ago called "Mr. Rhodes". That was him, which is funny because he's a stand-up comic. And if you know anything about comics, the line to a time slot normally reserved for Smurfs is not exactly linear.). Anyway, so Tom knows a comic friend of mine from back in the day, and Tom was in town doing a show, so our mutual friend coerced me into going.

I'd never paid that much attention to his act; I always knew he was funny, but he never resonated with me personally. The production we saw was less comedy act and more a one-man show. He's traveled all over the world and met all sorts of people (mostly a lot of women)...just really lived life. He was funny quite a bit, and also a little inspirational.

Some of what he talked about was a list of things that make him happy. He keeps it on his website; you can find it here. He's up to 1150. It includes such examples as "orange juice", "performing at the Hotel du Nord in Paris", and "knowing that God looks out for comedians and retards".

So, with that in mind, and in an effort to try to ward off this sadness - actually, scratch that, I want to kick this sadness in its balls - I'm starting my own list on this blog. I'll continue to write about bullshit like Mr Mister videos and what I'm up to in the future, but I'll try to add to this list from time to time. 'Cause dude, I could really use a reference point for this stuff sometimes.

And I encourage each of you to start a list and share.

So here goes:

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Knowing that my friends, even just a few of them, read this and care.
2. Decent, $3 happy hour wine
3. Hearing the latest awesome, sometimes ridiculous stuff that Nolan is in to
4. Reconnecting with friends on Facebook
5. Watching 'Sex and the City' reruns on TV before bed even though I've seen them five times each already
6. Doing the same with 'Gilmore Girls"
7. The configuration of my living room
8. Having a piece of original artwork on my wall that was made by my friend Drew, who's a real artist
9. Steve Martin's smiling face
10. Coming home to a book I'm excited about.
11. Browsing Barnes and Noble on a Friday night with nowhere else to be
12. Finding a song I love and being able to download it from iTunes at anytime, even 3am
13. Hearing a room full of people laugh at comedians I've booked
14. Target
15. Running errands in my neighborhood when traffic isn't busy
16. Having a reason to be up at 5am and getting out into the world that early and feeling like the city is my own
17. Being at Starbucks that early
18. Being up that early and getting a ton of stuff done, and then taking a nap at 11am
19. Coming up with a finely crafted comment on Defamer that makes me laugh
20. Nebraska football games, both live and on TV
21. Red Sox bars
22. Sam Adams Light
23. Marlborough St in Boston
24. The Public Garden in Boston
25. All things Boston
26. Woodburning stoves
27. Flipz, the chocolate-covered pretzel snack
28. Rain in Wyoming
29. A point on Yellowstone Rd where there are no street lamps and no stop lights, only stars
30. Le Petit Cafe in Santa Monica and how it actually does feel like being in France
31. Making a mix cd for a friend
32. This free t-shirt/hoodie I won at a KCRW raffle that fits perfectly
33. Fishing in Wyoming
34. Hearing my Dad call me "kiddo"
35. Fuzzy dogs
36. Puppies of all kinds
37. Brunch at my friend Jason's
38. Chinese food
39. Finding a great present for a friend
40. How my car looks when it's clean
41. Dodger games
42. Walking with my iPod
43. Jon Stewart when he gets silly
44. How obnoxious Stephen Colbert's "character" is on the "Colbert Report"
45. The fact that the "t" in "Report" is silent
46. Steve Carell in anything
47. How Rainn Wilson pronounces "Dwight Schrute"
48. "Kelly Kapoor"
49. Eating at Mama's with Zach
50. City Lights bookstore in San Francisco
51. Tosca in SF
52. Vesuvio in SF
53. Breakfast burritos from the MTV commissary in Santa Monica
54. Coming home after my house has been cleaned

Ok, I need to go to bed, but this is a start. Honest to God, I do feel a little better.

I'll Tumblr For Ya

2008-07-02T12:25:00.001-07:00

Yes, I've found yet another way to support my increasing web-narcissism. In addition to this blog, Myspace, Facebook, Friendster (ok, I don't really use that one anymore), and Twitter, you can now find me here on Tumblr. Think of it as micro-blogging. They make it ridiculously easy to import multi-media. But also, as technology has a way of doing, it gets fucked up from time to time, too. (See example, Omaha lightning video post.)

Seven Words + A Million More

2008-06-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

George Carlin died tonight in Santa Monica of a heart attack. He was 71.

Technically, the term used was "heart failure", but I hate the idea of saying that. Sure, medically his heart gave out and didn't hold up its end of the bargain by keeping him alive. But in every other sense, his heart was far from failing.

He's a comedy giant. Just...a giant, a fucking idol. He is (was...I hate the past tense) a pioneer. He wasn't just a stand-up; he was more like a comedic philosopher king. I remember watching his HBO specials as a kid (my parents unaware) probably a lot earlier than I should have been. I grew up watching those specials, all 14 of them. Fourteen hours of new, really good material. Do you know what a feat that is? Most comics don't have an hour of solid material until they're at least 10 years into it, and few are able to move beyond that set.

My Mom used to try to deter me from swearing by saying that educated people didn't use those words. George was a high school drop-out, but he was one of the smartest people out there.

In times like this, most people say "R.I.P." I hope for the sake of Heaven and God (which he didn't believe in, but I do) he's up there, pissed off as ever, unpeaceful, and making everyone laugh like he did down here.

**********************************************************************

Enjoy this clip and delight in his delicious love of language:

Well This Sucks...

2008-06-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

I just got back into town tonight, almost a week away from my laptop, and discovered upon booting it back up that all of my bookmarks are gone. GONE. One of the few things I'd actually organized (Job Stuff, Blogs, Comedy Promotions, etc). Fuck. I can't think that a virus could do that, could it? I mean, that sounds so specific, to erase only bookmarks.

UGH!

Anyone else ever hear of this?

Wave Your Hands In The Air

2008-04-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Joy and I were talking earlier this evening about the monstrosity that is Scarlett Johansson's new album full of Tom Waits covers (And no, I'm not linking it. That insufferable snot doesn't need any more help selling her whore-tastic idea, plus there's an entire blog-rant I'm publishing on its release day, so just you wait.)

I won't go into it, but we stumbled across this lovely gem:

Yup, remember Mr Mister? Ooooh, the deliciousness of it all. It's like part of a time capsule from junior high for me. Everything in there - everything - reeks of cliche. Only this was, I don't know, 1987? So back then, this stuff wasn't ironic. Witness:

Backstage hijinks!

Limo goofyness! (did the lead singer just lean out the window and eat sushi while the car is in motion? Oh yes he did!)

Random acts of tap dancing!

Over-the-head hand clapping at the "breakin' it down" mark!

Slo-mo jump in the air with the guitar!

Slo-mo spin with the guitar!

Entire band walking down the beach, lead singer stops to skip a rock into the ocean!

Running in place in front of the mic!

Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Did the limo break down, thus forcing the very band inside to push it from behind to help? Oh those guyyyyyyys!

High five hit on the beat!

Old guy playing the accordion on the boardwalk!

...and other casual snippets of their lives off-stage.

I had a crush on the lead singer for about two weeks, and looking at this again reminds me that he was kind of foxy. I wasn't wrong about that one.

Anyway, watch for yourselves. You'll thank me later.

Mix It Up

2008-04-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

Check it out - online mix tapes!

http://jenhen.muxtape.com/

You can make your own here: http://muxtape.com/

Unfortunately, you can only use MP3s and most of my songs are 4s, so it's not the best cross-section of my tunes, but at least there's no Steely Dan.

Rub-a-dub-dub

2008-03-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

I "befriended" Martha Plimpton on Myspace a while ago. I hadn't thought about her for a long time prior, other than to remember her as a very good actress, and I don't know how I stumbled across her page, but I'm thankful I did. If you have an account, I strongly suggest you start reading her blog there, which is really funny and heartfelt and interesting (I first got hooked because she wrote about her experience performing in "The Coast of Utopia", Tom Stoppard's magnum opus). She's just cool and open and sometimes raw, particularly in her last post which was published two days ago, around the same time as my bummerfest. Reading her's made me feel better, but what really did the trick was a video she posted by her friend and mega-hottie Craig Bierko called "Bathing with Bierko":

First installment - John Malkovich. Yup, the interview happens IN THE BATHTUB. TOGETHER. I'll say it again.

JOHN MALKOVICH

And he plays along. It opens with Craig washing JM's head. It's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time.

Blergh

2008-03-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, people, I think I made it to the end of the internet. I'm so bored. Home on a Friday night, which I should be ok with since I had some friends over last night for dinner and talk. Oh, and I'm b-roke, so that factors in. Right now I'm watching the end of a Gilmore Girls episode I've seen probably 10 times.

My birthday is next Saturday and I'm having a party at my house. I really debated about doing something. I'm kind of tired of planning these things, but really, if not me, than who? No boyfriend, no husband, and as much as I like my local friends, I'm not foolish enough to think anyone would step up to the plate to organize something. That, and I'm a better coordinator than most of them, so if it's going to be done right, I guess I'm the best one for the job.

When your birthday is on a Saturday, it kind of begs for plans. As I said in the Evite I sent out, I've seen everyone awkwardly split the check in years past over dinners, drinks, etc, so this year, everyone is coming over to my place. I'm doing the cleaning and providing of cupcakes, but I'm asking everyone else to bring booze or some sort of food product. Easier for everyone. Next year it falls on a Monday, so this might be the last hurrah. That I'm in charge of, anyway.

So, I've made my To-Do list and it's surprisingly short. Due to two recent parental visits, the house is in pretty good shape. I'm going to hit the 99 cent store this weekend to see what party crap I can find.

So yeah, other than that, my Mom was in town at the end of last month. We managed to not kill each other, and that was even after skipping our necessary daily afternoon naps. We did a little touristy stuff (she was in town Oscar weekend, so we went to Hollywood & Highland where the Kodak theater is and checked out the Academy Awards exhibit and saw the tent set up for the press and red carpet), household stuff (curtains for the kitchen), the Human Giant show at UCB (she was only a teeny bit taken aback at some of their humor), and some quality relaxation. Dad came into town 10 days after that and took care of some car stuff, made some drives up to Malibu, which I hadn't done in a long time, and a Nebraska meeting.

Prior to that, Broc and I went on a beer crawl in the South Bay put on by a friend of mine I know from my previous job. Second year in a row I've gone...good times. Also, my friend Josh and I and a few of our friends did our annual St Pat's breakfast at Tom Bergin's, the only true authentic Irish pub in LA, if you ask me. Corned beef hash, eggs, and Irish coffee. Yum.

Job hunting continues, temping continues, comedy shows continue, interviews continue, including one for a dog walking service. Exercise, dogs, outdoors, all good. Broc tipped me off to a job at her new place of business, which was mighty kind of her. I'm off to work on a cover letter. I need money. I need to get my hair done and I don't even know if I'll have enough for highlights. Seems trivial, I know, but I could use the pick-me-up.

So that's me in a nutshell...for now. Approaching official mid-30s and not loving it. Christ, I'm almost 34 and this is my life?

A Note About Forwards

2008-02-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was going through a very old email inbox and recovered the following. It was sent to me nearly nine years ago and it's still the funniest thing I've ever read. It's a little dated, but still hilarious. Back when everyone was sending forwards like there was no tomorrow, I used to send this as a reply.

Date: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 7:05 PM
Subject: For cynics ONLY...

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final
exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal
electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead
will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1,000 to you
and everyone you send "his" email? How stupid are you? Ooooh,
looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically,
this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started
by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the
Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant
stupidity. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your
own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 1: (Keep Scrolling)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, *that* person will never go out with YOU!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one
is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the
Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent
and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks
again!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 3:

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school
on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She
then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed
down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a
waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain
letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car
and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both
died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day
for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end
up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser
friends, and everything will be okay.

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.

Friends A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is
someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath
smells like you've been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes
you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes. A friend is
someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is
someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad
life. A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs. A
friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... -no, sorry that's
the cleaning lady, A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters
because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on!
If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

AND FINALLY ... ARE YOU GETTING THIS????

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter
he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like
Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all
your knickers missing tomorrow morning."

Things I Fucking Love to Death that More People Should As Well

2008-01-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

We all have things that we're so enamored with that we just can't understand why more people don't love them as much as we do. Once again, I urge you to contribute...

Northern Exposure (thanks to Dru for reminding me of this) - well-written plots, fully developed characters, great music. I wanted to live in Cicily. I still do.

Spoon - truly excellent band

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - another truly excellent band

Sushi / Fish - ok, this won't win me over with PETA, but sometimes eating a really fresh piece of sashimi feels like I'm ingesting life.

Instant Messenger - I single-handedly credit this service for keeping Dru and I in contact all these years

Bret Easton Ellis - American Psycho is actually my least favorite book of his. Read the short story "Letters from LA" in "The Informers"

Gilmore Girls (it works both here and in the "burning at the stake" one) - Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham. Sure, it could be super-girly, but it was witty and snarky and so funny, and sometimes made me weepy.

Old Navy Jeans - ok, maybe you like these, too. They're $25! Can you beat that? And they fit great. Actually, let's make it Old Navy in general. I know they probably get their clothes from warehouses in China who force 10 year old kids to work for 25 cents a week, but since when have you been able to buy a pea coat for under $100? Never, that's when. And I know I'll probably go to hell for shopping there, but at this point isn't it a race between that and all the other crap I've done? At least I'll look good while I'm burning up.

Los Angeles - it's been my home for almost 12 years and overall, it's been good to me. Sometimes when I drive down Sunset, I still can't believe I live here. I bristle whenever I hear a negative word about it. Who doesn't love the ocean and 70-something degree weather all year 'round? (Yes, Dru, we all know you're going to say San Francisco. No one argues with you that it's a great city. When shall we expect our AAA maps and brochures to arrive in the mail?)

Things I Like That Will Probably Get Me Burned at the Stake

2008-01-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

Justin Timberlake

Spice Girls

Similarly, Victoria Beckham

Gilmore Girls (some of you like this, but I'm always hesitant to bring it up around other people)

The Hills (ok, this one is a guilty pleasure)

Things I Don't Like That Other People Do

2008-01-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Oreos

Brownies

Radiohead

The Wrap Up - Christmas Travel '07

2008-01-03T02:55:00.000-08:00

Tyra Banks is stupid. Not offensively stupid, but just enough to bug. I'm watching her in the middle of the night as I type this. I've never seen her show, but she's interviewing Lauren Conrad and I have a Hills fetish that I'm not proud of (shut UP), so the clicker stopped here.

Anyway, I'm back in LA after a near two week respite in the Midwest, and let me just say this: holy fuckballs am I glad I live in LA. Lemme 'splain.

My Dad decided he wanted to celebrate in Cheyenne instead of AZ, which I'm ok with since it's home. No matter that I'd have to fly into Denver and deal with winter, it doesn't seem right not to have cold on Christmas day. So it was set and I flew in on Dec 20th to avoid the rush, which worked well. I decided, after last year's follies, to bring everything on the plane with me to avoid the chance of lost luggage. So, I pulled out my little black roller bag that's just small enough to get on a plane (I'm well versed in TSA regulations by now) and loaded up. I went out and bought three ounce bottles for everything. I limited my clothes, included the much-needed sweaters, put things in plastic bags, and let my family know that, while I appreciate their generosity, presents this year would have to be small.

So I loaded up and made it past security just fine, suitcase, carry-on with my laptop, and my huge puffy winter coat. Which, out of my four flights I took within my time away, was the only time I attempted that. Sure, it was nice to know I had everything with me and wasn't at the mercy of the degenerate baggage handlers and had to waste time waiting and waiting and waiting to get my luggage, but the roller bag was ill-equipped to, well, roll smoothly when so overpacked, PLUS the laptop, PLUS the puffy coat. Enough.

All-in-all, traveling went fairly well this year. No delays in LA getting to Denver, I made it in in time to avoid huge crowds AND the Rockies snow on the 21st. Left for Mom's in NE on the 26th and got to hang at the airport with Jered, friend to many in our corner of the blog-iverse, since he was staying at his folks' across the street and had a flight a few hours after mine. The people at the Lincoln airport weren't dicks, which was a refreshing change. Even DIA wasn't too horrible to deal with. Of course, three of my four flights were delayed, granted not more than 45 min each time, but enough to make me glad I avoided connections.

I'll do a Part II about the actual visits, but I'm back in 74 degree weather. Thank GOD!

Unto us...

2007-12-24T23:32:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Happy Birthday, Jesus. And Happy Birthday, Broccoli.

Repost:: Airplane Etiquette

2007-12-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

Nathan Fillion, Firefly and Waitress hottie, posted this on his Myspace blog today. I thought it was not only fitting for this time of year, but something to keep in mind anytime you travel. This is stuff we all know like the backs of our hands, but seeing it in black and white helps keep it organized in my feeble mind.

So, having done a lot of flying in my time, and a whole lot in recent months, I've noticed a lot of things one can do to make travel more comfortable and pleasant experience. Again, we can apply the simple principle of CCR. Consideration, Courtesy, and Respect. I've tried to boil it down to some simple practices that are certain to make your trip better.

The first thing I want to bring to your attention, is look around the airport when you are traveling. How many people do you see are actually joyous with the prospect of a flight? Unless folks are flying to someplace tropical, I've noticed that the prevailing attitude is one of torture. I'm not saying there isn't a whole lot wrong with the system, getting screwed by airlines, etc, but is it really so bad? Put yourself in another mind set. Enjoy your journey.

Start with a well planned trip. If you don't want to battle traffic, or wake up early, try for a later flight. Be packed the day before. Make a list of everything you'll need, and check it. My preference is to pack light so I don't have to check luggage.

Get up early. Be awake and relaxed with lots of time.

Be clean. You are going to be around a lot of people. Be sure that your B.O. or breath does not offend. THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. (This is actually a daily responsibility, just more important in small, closed spaces like a plane.) Bring gum.

Dress well. This does not mean you have to wear a suit, but how you present yourself directly affects how others will deal with you, and you will be dealing with people all day. Put yourself together, but comfortably. If it's a long, long flight, dress in something you can sleep in, but something NICE you can sleep in.

Be organized. Have what you need where you need it. Be ready! You are smart enough to handle it. Tickets and passports in the boarding pass line. Boarding pass in pocket at security. Gels and liquids in a bag and a separate place easy to reach. Shoes and metal bits easily removed. Show the kind of hustle you want to see from the people in line in front of you when you are late for a flight.

Boarding the plane, have a bag that will actually fit in the spaces provided so you can put it away, sit down, and let other people continue to board and have room for their items, too. When you make that last minute call, avoid loud talking. (This is also an everyday responsibility. How much do you want to hear half of someone else's conversation shouted beside you? CCR.)

Your space. Especially for us big guys, flights can be tough because of how little space is provided for our enormous frames. For shoulder space, favor the side that has no one on it. Don't lean the seat back if the person next to you has if you can help it. As for legs? Avoid spreading them like you got some big business down there. Cross your legs below the knee. You'll be surprised.

Avoid grossness. If you have a sniffle or cough, bring tissue. Don't ask those around you to put up with constant snorting. That's really crass. Really.

Getting up. We all have to do it, but be smart. How much do you like it when someone starts wrestling with the back of your seat? It's not your "get up handle", it's a chair that someone else is sitting in. Leave them alone! Use the back of your OWN chair to get in and out of your row. You can also use the backs of the chairs of the folks in your row, as you are already disturbing them by getting up. EXCUSE YOURSELF! Say, "Pardon me." or, "I apologize." Don't be embarrassed into being rude to people. We are all in this together. This also applies when using the seat back pocket. Someone's back is right up against it. There's no steel plate protecting them from you jamming oblong objects and water bottles in there. Be cool. CCR.

Kids on a plane. Babies cry. That's it. That's all. Don't be sour, give the parents a dirty look, or let out an exasperated sigh. You were a baby once. You cried, too. Afford mothers traveling alone every courtesy. EVERY courtesy. Parents of children on planes: Do not bring forty different toys for you child, do not bring a toy that beeps and toots constantly. Come on, now. Really. Keep your kids behaved, using inside voices, and stop them from kicking the seat in front of them. CCR. For families traveling together, always give up your seat if it keeps them together. This includes couples, old or young.

Thank your captain and crew. If it was a smooth ride, say so.

When waiting your luggage, unless you want to give a hand, get out of the way when someone is grabbing theirs.

Enjoy your stay!

I hope these simple steps and ideas help you and those around you to better enjoy your trip, most importantly, your journey. Be kind to each other out there!

Shutterbugs

2007-11-18T01:04:00.001-08:00

I swear this blog won't become a 'Best of You Tube' showcase, but I had to share this:

You might know Rob Huebel & Aziz Ansari from "Human Giant" on MTV, really the only reason someone over the age of 30 should ever watch that channel. Rob is an incredibly talented Improv actor, and Aziz is a terrific stand-up. Together, they're Shutterbugs, the best children's talent agency in the business. Watch all three clips here and see what I'm talking about.

Union, Norma Rae, Union!

2007-11-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

In concert with writer and fellow blogger Broccoli, here is a funny, yet somewhat informative, video of the WGA strike courtesy of the writers from The Office. They're even clever when they picket.

WOOOHOOOO!!!!

2007-10-29T00:02:00.001-07:00

Getty Images

And how was YOUR Sunday night?

Still a little tipsy and possibly nauseous from beer and jumping up and down for joy. I'm not having another brew - or chicken fingers - for the rest of the year.

Special shout-out once again to Joy for fashioning me with a championship hat in 2004. It's my favorite cap and I wore the crap out of it in the post-season; it's now drying out after having champagne sprayed on it at the bar.

A little something to take the edge off

2007-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, you bitter fuckers, I know we're in a time of war and global warming and a shitty administration blahblahblah, and reading Zach's blog lately is enough to put us all on suicide watch, but the next time you're convinced the world is going to hell, watch this video:

As long as there are puppies, everything will be ok.

Also, more blog entries updating you on my life to be posted soon, I promise.

All Things Bright and Beautiful

2007-06-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

My little niece, Teagan, was born today at 3:25 pm PST. Six pounds, 10 ounces and 20 inches of perfection. And she's healthy. She's healthy. There is a God, and He is good.

Some pig, some ecards

2007-05-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wanted to send a thoroughly inappropriate ecard to someone, I highly recommend someecards.com. I had a ball reading them at work one afternoon (and emailing them out).

Thanks?

2007-05-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Among the recommendations from Amazon.com for me:

"Gilmore Girls: Season Six"

"Thank You For Smoking"

and this:

Really Amazon?

New Year, New Men, New Material

2007-03-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I WAS a comedian so I could go on stage and make jokes from the things that happen in my life.

I put up a post on Craigslist yesterday looking for dates. I did this last fall and lost interest, so I thought, hey, I'm about to turn 33, I better get that sucker in before I start to look old on paper. So I put it up the day before the big change.

If you can connect the dots, today is my birthday.

I thought I'd post a few of the responses I got back for your reading pleasure (no dick shots - amazing). To fill you in, the title was "I Don't Have Cats", to indicate that while I was in my early 30s, I'm not a crazy, lonely cat lady who watches her box sets of Ally McBeal and eats Lean Cuisine for dinner.

Enjoy.

Sounds great and since I am allergic to cats that's a plus. I like that you say from friends to a full blown relationship. The relieves any pressure as men are different or at least I am when its based on friendship. Are you going to hold it against me that I drive the typical Black BMW? Oh ya I hate scotch

I wrote back a little something to this guy that I'd overlook the BMW and the scotch thing is fine as long as he doesn't mind that I'll be drinking it. He wrote back:

Just no kisses from me if you are drinking that sht

Awesome.

Here's another, titled "Hay":

What’s up with you? Me I just want to chat so drop me a line and we can talk. I’m from Texas. I smoke and drink. I’m white 5'11. My home is in Texas but I am currently living and working in Manhattan Beach, CA. I have been married to a black woman for three years and the thing is I have been day dreaming about white girls so much lately I just cant stand it no more. I really don’t know anything else to do about it except just doing it. I mean this is the perfect opportunity to get it out of my system while I am in here CA. and she is back in Texas. There is one problem. I am working six and seven days a week so there’s no time to meet any girls. So here I am. Drop me a line if you would like to be with a good guy with a long thick wand, yes it really is and I know how to use it very well for a white guy you will fall in love with me. Email me and we'll start by exchanging more pix and chat a while.

Another:

hi there:

i like ur ad.

Shortly about me: Educated, Classy, Humorous,
Sporty, Handsome: 6'4"-5", fit, Dark Hair, Blue
Eyes, White. Intelligent, Decisive, 29 year.
Strong personality.

My schedule is busy. I don't have so much time for
playing games or wasting time. Please drop me a line
back; and tell
me a bit more about urself what you do. please send
me a photo i will send you mine. let us tray to
catchup.

Mik

What a charmer, and I'm pretty sure he didn't even spell his own name right.

I certainly like a good time in and out of bed. Im 42 in N Hollywood, 5-8, brown hair/eyes, 170
Send photo please if you have. if theres chemistry maybe we can be friends+more ?

Woo, I said, woohoo.

You have perfect spelling and I find that attractive in itself. I'm a
successful Ivy League advance degreed professional on the west side.

Now, I have to admit I'm a sucker for good spelling, grammar, and punctuation, so I kind of get where this guy is coming from, but it won't stop me from making fun of him, starting with the fact that this is ALL HE SENT. No greeting, no sign off, this is it. So apparently he's hot over my use of the English language, but he's not so into writing proper correspondence.

Hi, My name is James, I am a white male, 6'3", 215lbs., blue eyes, short brown hair, and no facial hair. I am Hiv-negative and never had any STD's. I keep myself clean and I shower twice a day. I am a non-smoker, but it is okay if you smoke. I rarely drink and I am not into drugs.

I do have a cat and I also feed the other cats in the nieghborhood.

The last movie I seen was called Zodiac and I seen it at the theatre in Burbank two weeks ago. I am open to most kinds of music, but I really do not listen to most Rap music.

If we were to have sex, I believe in oraly pleasing the woman first.

James

Cleanliness is not next to...well, really anything else I'd like to date that you don't have, James. But bravo for your stance on eating me out.

And for the piece de resistance:

I like to singa about tha moon uh tha June uh and spring uh.I like to singa about a tea for two and tha sky a blu anythinga with uh swinga to sing I luv you.I thought its a funny song but yo my is ruben and I dig music cars ,motorcycles vespas and coffee I dont usually drink but I am not afraid to drink a stout.anywhoo I figured in a perfect world I found friends are the tru love..

Thanks Ruben. I like to sing about the moon in June as well....with the lesbian I'll now be dating because there's no way in hell I'm going out with any of these losers.

What I'm Up To

2007-03-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out how to add that wiget like Joy has on her blog that lists all the stuff I'm into right now, so I'm just going to add it here:

First of all, I love hyperlinks. I try to find an excuse to use them in almost every personal email. They're so fun and interactive.

I'm reading Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis. I don't think a lot of people get why I like him and Jay McInerney as much as I do, so I rarely recommend them. I've devoured everything BEE has written, but it's taken me a year and a half to finally get into this. Now I'm crazy about it. It combines a lot of elements from past books, so if you're a fan, it's a real payoff.

I'm listening to Money Mark's new album, Brand New By Tomorrow. He's the keyboardist for the Beasties. It's a lot different than what you think he'd do. For one thing, he sings on it. I'm not on board with everything on there, but there's some stuff worth checking out. My friend and drum teacher, John, played on the Japanese version.

Watching: way too much TV. I'm on the fence about getting rid of cable. I should keep it to keep up with Comedy Central, but it sucks me in way too easily.

Thinking: I need a vacation. I'm seriously fried from work and the anger and tension has built up to where it's affecting me after hours. I'm going to AZ this weekend to see my Dad, which is good since I really need to get away. A simple weekend just isn't doing it anymore.

Cooking - I want to try Larb. It's Thai and really good at Toi, one of my favorite places in LA. You can make it with different meats, but I like it with ground beef. It uses a lot of lime juice and spices. I still haven't figuered out what you eat it with (bread? crackers?) but it's really tasty.

Oh-fer Cute!

2007-03-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out how to finish my Chinese restaurant rant to post here. In the meantime, here's a photo of a baby otter, courtesy of the LA Times:

Gone, Daddy, Gone

2007-02-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

I love Asian food. I mean, I really love Asian food. Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese...love it. I could eat any one of those at least once a day and not get sick of it.

I'm also not so great about cooking at home. I actually know how to cook, and I'm not bad, but by the time I've fought my way through my job for 9-10 hours, a lot of times I'm pooped by the time I get home. So do the math - this means I order in a lot. And often times, you guessed it, it's Asian, and most likely Chinese.

I don't even know how I stumbled across the Chinese place I've used for the last, geez, seven...eight years, but they've been my mainstay, so much so that the lady who answered the phone knew my voice (is that pathetic or comforting? I'm still not sure). I probably ordered from them at least once every two weeks. Again, do the math - I know that place very well.

Recently, I deduced that they changed hands and now have a new owner. I started to pick up on it around Christmas. I called to order Kung Pao something and the lady didn't answer. It was some new chick who I had to explain everything to (no, I know it's already spicy, I want it extra spicy, and no white onions). And the dishes I usually ordered were delivered to me with new things in them. Green peppers in the Kung Pao? Snow peas in the Garlic Chicken? Tasty, but different.

And now, after repeated attempts to get a hold of them this weekend and no answer, I went down there, like a concerned friend, to see if everything was ok. Sure enough, they're remodeling.

Is nothing sacred???

Reunited (and yes, it felt SO good)

2007-02-12T10:38:00.000-08:00

Did anyone catch the Grammys last night? I'm guessing not, since no one I know ever watches it. I hadn't watched it myself since Jon Stewart hosted (mmmmm, Jon Stewart), but the reunion of The Police hooked me this year.

They opened the show (good move, Recording Academy, since we'd all just skip to their part anyway) with Roxanne, not my favorite song, but like I'm going to be picky. Stewart Copeland looked the happiest I've ever seen him, and even Sting seemed pleased. They're holding a press conference today, most likely announcing a tour and maybe even a new album. Between that and the reunited Van Halen (avec Diamond Dave), I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, other than sell some plasma to pay for the tickets.

Other highlights:

Dixie Chicks were 5 for 5, award-wise. I've always liked them, country or pop. I really need to get that album. Does everything Rick Rubin touches turn to gold? I really like their "I'm Not Ready To Be Nice" song. Yeah, take that, "W" - we have strong words AND a violin!

Justin Timberlake: if someone told me five years ago that I'd be a fan, I would have slapped them silly. Are you kidding me? But he was all OVER the show, kicking butt every which way. He does have soul, and he can play the guitar and piano, AND HE CAN DANCE. Plus, he was involved in an American Idol-esque contest they held to find a singer to perform a duet with him. If it was as impromptu as they suggested (apparently folks on the east coast got to vote and they announced it live on the show), he did a great job of incorporating her into his performance on the fly. He's really matured as an artist and he's just an all-around pro.

The Chili Peppers won. I love that album. I love them.

I'll avoid mentioning the lowlights (Stevie Wonder's suit? That's just mean to do that to a blind man).

photo courtesy of http://www.signonsandiego.com/

Fucking Far Side...

2007-02-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

...always crackin me up.

courtesy of http://www.buffnet.net

Widdle Fuzzy Babies

2007-02-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

While this year's Super Bowl promises to be a good one, this weekend always brings about another favorite past time of mine: Puppy Bowl! Read about it here if you're not familiar. They run it all day.

I'm-a stayin put, thanks

2007-01-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

Annnnd we're back. Or at least I am, in LA. My holidays were good overall, however peppered with the worst travel luck I've ever had.

It started with Denver Blizzard #1. I was set to leave here on Dec 21st, but Mother Nature had other plans and brought the flakes the day before. I got a call from Amy first, then my Dad telling me I should check out Frontier's site as I probably wasn't coming in the next day. I immediately called their 800#, which five days later was STILL busy. I gave up and decided to go straight to the ticket counter at LAX to see if I could resolve this in person.

Once I got there, the lone woman handling all the requests was just closing up but had enough time to tell me that Frontier wouldn't be able to get me on a flight for sure until Christmas day. CHRISTMAS DAY! A guy I was in line with made the excellent suggestion that Southwest still had some pre-Christmas flights and to just book with them. I went online immediately after getting home and started looking at one-way flights on other airlines and came up with about five total, each around $800-$1,000. I went to Southwest and found a few options on Christmas Eve morning for the low, low price of $232. Not great, but not horrible. Frontier had promised a refund anyway, so I wasn't out too much, net.

Traveling that day went fairly well. I got home in the afternoon and had a nice Christmas the next day with my Dad. I went to a party later on and saw some folks from Cheyenne and drank too much (blech) and left early the next morning for Nebraska to see my Mom. Traveling that day went pretty well, too. DIA was pretty nuts, but without incident. My Mom and I had some nice time together doing all the things we normally do: Target, shopping, movies, cooking. She and Dad definitely contributed to the couple of pounds I gained in the last few weeks, but can you pass up home cooked meals? Mmmmm. Time to pull out the ipod for more walking during lunch.

Pretty much after I'd gotten to NE I started hearing stories of another blizzard hitting Denver later in the week. I was set to leave on Saturday night to spend NYE in SF, plans that Dru and I had made months in advance. One of the guys that my agency reps was performing at Cobbs, a legendary club and one of the best in the country, with some other comics who I really like as well. After spending the last several 12/31sts in the Midwest, I felt I owed it to myself to a good one this year. So needless-to-say, after hearing news of another storm in the very place I had a layover had me a little nervous.

As the week closed out, it seemed that the storm hit at just the right time and that everything would be fine by the time I got there. I kept checking Frontier's site even hours before just to make sure no changes had been posted, and everything looked fine. I arrived at the Omaha airport and again, had no problems with the ticket line or security. I spent my extra time at the gate chatting on my cell with a friend to kill time. Then it started to get close to boarding time and the incoming plane had yet to arrive. It finally did just a few minutes late and the nice guy behind the gate counter assured me that I'd make my 50 minute connection in Denver with no problem. After a little while longer, things still weren't moving along and they announced that the engine wasn't starting on its own and they needed to call a mechanic.

Awesome. Mechanical problems. And that's where the shit started flying.

I pretty much knew at that point that I wouldn't make the plane in Denver to SF. Ok, fine. Let's fly me out on the next day. Nope, no dice. All the flights from Omaha to Denver were booked solid, and even the flights from Denver to SF looked full as well. ON ALL CARRIERS. So my choice was to stay in NE for New Years and not get to San Francisco at all, or take this flight (once they got the engine fixed - FUN!), stay overnight in a hotel they provided and hope that they could get me on a flight to SF the next day, which wasn't looking likely. I had to decide this within a matter of minutes since they'd fixed the plane at this point and were boarding the folks who were going to Denver. I chanced it and thought at the very least I could spend NYE with Amy and her husband Steve and their dogs, whose time was shafted when I couldn't get there on the 21st. Not a bad Plan B.

But still nerve wracking as I had no idea what to expect in Denver. I've never been stranded in a city before where hotels and meal vouchers were concerned. Even though I knew Denver and knew people there, for whatever reason I felt really alone and uncertain and I'll admit, I just wanted my Mommy. Before I left I was ready to just scrap the whole thing and stay in Lincoln in her nice house with her dogs where it was safe and I didn't have to make hard decisions on the spot. I do that at work all the time; isn't this what a vacation is for?

Thankfully, the plane got there safely and once I arrived at the Customer Service counter, they'd already rebooked me on a flight to SF on United. All I had to do was give them my name and they had a packet ready for me with a hotel coupon and a meal voucher for the next morning, and an itinerary with my new flight. The reservations were made and all I had to do was call the shuttle service for the hotel. Frontier scored points for that; it couldn't have been easier.

Only thing was, I didn't get to the hotel until close to midnight and my flight was for 6AM, which meant going back to DIA at 3:30AM and almost no sleep. Still, the hotel was really nice (Stapleton Renaissance - I highly recommend it) with a bed that was amazing and would have been even better if I'd had more time to enjoy it (such a tease). Once I dumped my stuff I called room service, because how many times do I get a room to myself? I placed an order and then immediately cancelled because, duh, it was midnight and I needed as much sleep as possible. I found a vending machine downstairs because the restaurant had JUST closed and tried to get some crackers, but of course it wanted exact change. I was willing to forgo whatever extra I had to pay JUST TO GET SOME GODDAMN CRACKERS!! At some point, things fall so out of sorts you question what THE FUCK you did to the universe to deserve this. That said, I did finally get some crackers after a nice cleaning person gave me a dime.

As I was walking back to my room I was thinking that it's situations like this that become defining moments: an optimist would think, "hey, at least I got to spend Christmas with my Dad and I spent some good time with my Mom and I was on a confirmed flight the next day, and spending the night in a nice hotel that I wasn't paying for." The pessimist would think, "Goddammit, of course the fucking plane had problems and made me miss my flight and I have to deal with this crap and now I won't get any sleep and it's fouling up my plans in San Francisco!". At that point, I had no idea which side I fell on.

Then, things got even worse.

I "woke up" (really, just rested instead of slept) at 2:45 AM and showered and got myself to the lobby at 3:30 after waiting for the missing bellman to take my bags down (I'm not that much of a diva, but I was exhausted and so over hauling around 40lbs of luggage) and was told that the shuttle guy was warming up the van and would come in to let me know he was leaving. Of course this didn't happen and I had to sit around for the 4 AM pickup. After being dropped off, DIA was busy. At 4:30 AM. I was turned away at sky cap and sent to a special line for United serviced by the surliest bull-dyke ever. I mean, seriously, I know you have to be up at an ungodly hour for your job, but have you been wronged so much today already that you have to give me an attitude? She started to look up my ticket that had been promised to me by Frontier ("no, you don't need a record locator. Just give them your name and show them your itinerary and you'll be all set.") and as expected, nothing.

Excuse me?

I stammered that back what Frontier had told me about being rebooked and what my experience the night before was. She barked at me to give her whatever paperwork I had and then tapped away at her computer for what seemed like the longest four minutes ever. Bingo! She found it. Good. All set. I gladly passed over my luggage to her and went on my way.

I approached the security area (yeah, if you've been in DIA, it's not just a line, but a series of lines akin to Space Mountain, that takes up a sizable chunk of the airport) and started to move my way through. As I scanned my ticket so I could see with my own eyes in black and white that I did have something concrete that proved that I would reach my destination (or at least attempt to), I noticed four S's on both the main portion of my ticket as well as the tab and my heart sank once again.

To back up a bit, I make time whenever I go back to Cheyenne to visit out neighbors down the street. I babysat their kids way back in the day and they're really neat people, plus they're nearby, so it's not that much of an effort. The Dad, Dick, has flown for American for about 30 years and whenever I talk to him, air travel comes up, especially since 9/11. He made a point as we talked this time to mention this "tag", the four S's, telling me that this is what the security people look for in their random checks. Yup, I was tagged, and would have to go through the special screening (coincidence, huh?).

As I approached the front, I was told to move to the side to the special line. They took my carry-on from me (the only questionable items being the steaks I brought back from Nebraska for Dru, so thankfully no contraband)and placed me in a Star Trek-looking screener that included plastic doors to sequester me for about 90 seconds. Six nozzles came out and sent strong poofs of air, hitting me at different places to show any suspicious bulges, I assume. I was released and watched them go through my bag, wiping down almost everything inside, which took several minutes.

Finally they set me free. I still had my meal voucher from the night before, so I got into the McDonald's line once I arrived at my terminal (mmmmm, McMuffin). Of course, the Goddamn Fucking Swiss Family Retarded Robinson was in front of me, with the Dad encouraging little Timmy or whateverthefuck his name was to order for everyone and their Mormon brother. Timmy's all, "I'll have an, um......Egg McMuffin and a....orange juice and some....hash browns..." This went on for a few minutes, I swear to God. Keep in mind that time was precious and it was by some grace of God that I got on this flight in the first place, so to miss it (I had about 20 minutes at this point) would be, um, not good.

I got my food and scarfed it down at the gate (I hate bringing food on planes and hate it when others do, especially fast food) and boarded. Of course I had a middle seat next to a woman around my age who was very nice, and Jerry Garcia with a fanny pack who refused to share his arm rest. Whatever, I was on my way to SF.

THEN (are you getting tired of reading this yet? can't believe this has gone on this long? Imagine fucking LIVING IT. WITHOUT SLEEP!) the plane sits around for an hour to board some last minute luggage (keep this tidbit in mind because it'll be ironic in just about a second). Nice. Again, whatever. I'm gonna get there. We land and I make my way to baggage and....wait. And.....my bag...isn't....there.

EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME??

Now, you'd think at this point any normal person would have gone apeshit ballistic. I mean, scroll up and review what I've gone through. And take MY temper into account. With no sleep. But really, I was calm, or rather, resigned. I just didn't have any fight in me. So I went to the United baggage claim area to figure out what the shit was going on. What happened was the bull-dyke at DIA tried to check my bag through to LA (on Frontier), even though I wasn't going there for another two days, and if everything was still on schedule, wouldn't have landed in SF until a half hour PAST the time the LA flight was supposed to leave anyway. So then it became, where's the bag? United or Frontier? I went back and forth from the United terminal to Frontier's roundtrip twice (in case you were wondering, they're exactly on the opposite sides of SFO from each other. fun.). The Frontier people, who were very cool, kept an eye out for anyone from United who was trying to transfer over my bag to one of their flights, and after two and half hours, it finally turned up. I grabbed it, got into a cab (really didn't care if it'd cost me $50) and got to Dru's.

We relaxed for a few minutes and made our way to Mama's, my all-time favorite restaurant, where his friend Jeff was holding a place in line. I feasted on eggs and sweet breads and juice, went back and took a nap, and by the time I was up it felt like I'd been through a dream. Did this really all happen within the last 24 hours?

We went to Cobbs and saw one of the best comedy shows I've ever seen. Everyone was hilarious, we had a prime table reserved for us, rang in 2007, and got to hang with Greg (my client) after the show for a while. We managed to snag a cab and went to a NYE party hosted by a friend of some friends, hopped over to another party at the other comedy club where everyone who was in town for the shows gathered, chatted with some folks, and got home a little after 4AM. And laid around the entire next day.

I made it back to LA that Tuesday morning almost without incident (I was told the wrong carousel for my bag and caught it just as they were carting it away to the unclaimed bag area). And here I've stayed ever since.

Christmas, with a little less soul

2006-12-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

So I made it back to Cheyenne. To catch you up (those of you who don't know) I'd been scheduled to arrive on Thursday, but Mother Nature, bitch that she is, had other plans for me and thousands of others. Thanks to the purchase of an extra plane ticket through Southwest (since Frontier's 800# was STILL down days later and in person could not rebook me to arrive UNTIL the 25th) I made it home yesterday afternoon. I spent my extra time in LA taking my own sweet time shopping, packing, buying presents, sleeping, and making cookies. Sometimes you have to look at these things as being given the gift of time, though I'd still much rather be here.

It's my first time online in over 24 hours (and I didn't combust!) and I found out that James Brown, the Father (Godfather?) of Soul has died this morning after a bout of pneumonia. I've now stumbled across a new minor regret in my life: never seeing the man perform in person. Friends of mine had taken in this sight in recent years at the Hollywood Bowl, and as is so often the case, I thought, "next year", only to be reminded once again to take these opportunities when they arise. As big of a venue as it is, I can only imagine that he had no problems filling it with his veritable James Brown-yness.

Rest well, the soul of Soul.

Ok Go: Here it Goes Again

2006-12-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm a little late in the game with these guys, but this video just rocks!

Spring Fresh

2006-12-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that I'm actually proud of myself for doing my laundry?

Paris and my Mom

2006-12-08T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was on the phone with my Mom the other night and she went into a mini-rant about Paris Hilton, that she'd never seen so much attention for someone who'd done so little, and that she was so indulgent. Then she said, "She's like the human Las Vegas."

My Mom rocks.

Too. Damn. Cute.

2006-11-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Tattoo You

2006-11-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

I found it - I finally figured out what I want as my tattoo. Now I need stories, advice, and warnings from you, my people, of the process. I could also use a recommendation for a good, clean place in LA to have this done.

VOTE DAMMIT!

2006-11-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Today's the day, people.  I don't think I've been
this excited for an election since my freshman
year of college in 1992.

Dru's Dad sent the following out on this day in
2000 and I've kept it ever since. It's pretty
touching and something I think of every time
I visit a voting booth, Presidential election or not.

For quite a long time now I have been deeply cynical
of this whole presidential campaign -- a campaign
that has come down to the evil of two lessors, as
I have heard it described.  Here in Wyoming, a state
with 3 electoral college votes, my individual vote
for president (regardless of my choice) has been
meaningless for nearly a year -- it is foregone that
the Wyoming electoral college votes are Republican.
Most of those friends and colleagues I know who
listened to the debates were mostly doing so just
to have their decision, long before made,ratified.
And regardless of which side they were on, or what
they heard in the debates, the campaign rhetoric,
the political ads -- all served simply to confirm
for each their position -- a position arrived at
almost automatically and much earlier.  So why bother?

But at this moment, well before any results can be
reported, I am deeply moved and profoundly proud
to be a resident of the United States of America.

At 7:00 AM I was 33rd in line at my local polling
place, and the line grew steadily behind me.  I
stood in line with strangers, neighbors and friends
-- Independents, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians
and "others."  We didn't speak of politics, nor of
candidates, nor of positions.  We made small talk.

We honored one another by respecting each other's
views, acknowledging them as equal to our own.
There were no guards at the doors, no uniformed
"keepers of the peace" watching over the process.
The process, rather, was being conducted by
volunteers -- friends, neighbors and strangers.
And not a one of us in line even gave a thought
about the honesty of the poll workers or the
integrity of the process.  We didn't have to.
We know it.  We expect it.  We can't imagine it
any other way.

As I left the booth and walked back past the
line of citizens quietly awaiting their turn
to exercise their fundamental right in this
democracy of ours; as I turned up my collar
to the icy wind inevitably whipping across
the parking lot; as I watched the stream of
cars and pickups coming into that lot and
driving away, I confess, I choked up.

In a couple of months we will have a new government.
And when it changes, we will have a party --
no violence, no jailing of the vanquished, no turmoil
-- a party!  We will grouse about the ineptitude of
those we just elected; we will let them know in no
uncertain terms of our dislikes and our demands;
we will judge them publicly and privately; and we
will ultimately trust them to manage the affairs
that keep us working more or less together.

I voted for a new president, even though I knew
my vote didn't really matter. I voted for judges
and local officials, and constitutional propositions
and optional tax issues where I knew my vote would
matter.  And I did that side by side with friends,
neighbors and strangers, in suits and blue jeans
and uniforms and sweatpants, in rusty pickups and
shiny imported autos. Together we just changed our
government. We took a pen in our hands and shook
every governmental institution in this, the most
powerful country in the world-- and then we all went
to work and got on with our day.

And here it goes.

2006-09-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. IknowIknowIknow. Here I am, back from blogging dead. A little background on my life, post-Montreal (which I swear I'm putting up soon):

My grandma died. She'd been in the hospital with shingles for a week and out for two days recovering when it happened. In that sense it was a surprise, but she had diabetes and we think the meds were just too strong for her kidneys to handle. She was 89, and in surprisingly good health otherwise. Her eyes were pretty bad, but her mind was still so sharp. It sucks at times on a surprising level that hits me during those quiet moments, like while I'm in the car or in line somewhere. She was my last grandparent, and in a way it's the end of an era. Grandparents are the ones who truly love you unconditionally and root for you no matter what, without the unspoken hopes and scattered disappointments that your parents experience.

So that prompted a trip back to Omaha a week prior to a visit I'd already planned for the next weekend (Labor Day). Back on a Friday, viewing, funeral, cleaning up her apartment with my Dad, back to LA on Sunday. Then unpacking, laundry, packing again, and back to Nebraska on Friday. (This time I managed to have some fun, going to the opening Nebraska game and to the State Fair with my Mom, which was marred after the fact only because I found once I got back from NY that her oldest dog, Sunny, had died of cancer, which made the trip bittersweet. At least I got to spend some time with her, but I loved her like my own.) After that it was back again to LA on Monday, unpacking, dry cleaning, laundry, packing for an eight day trip, then out on Saturday to go back to Boston for vacation, leaving for NYC that Wednesday, then finally back here the Sunday after. I'm JUST now back to my normal life, and I'm not leaving this city until Christmas.

Boston was a lot of fun. I stayed with Joy and KB, and finally met Nolan. What a little guy. I'd never spent that kind of time with a baby before. Man, are they exhausting. He's a great kid, don't get me wrong, but the experience of being aware that many hours in the day was overwhelming. It was kind of a lot to take in, but it was fun. It's just like you hear, experiencing things for the first time. And there's nothing funnier than kids. Just watching Nolan fall to the ground to play with the wheels on an old woman's walker, or on the carts in Quincy Market, or on a wheelchair, was enough to endlessly crack me up.

We went to a block party in Joy's neighborhood and later went to a fabulous dinner party at the home of one of KB's co-workers. We visited the aquarium, which, as Joy says in her blog, was probably enjoyed more by us than, you know, the child we brought. We met KB after work and strolled around the North End and ate at my favorite Italian restaurant. Tuesday I met my college friend Jackie for lunch, and then trapsed all over Back Bay to the point where my legs felt like jello. I stopped on Marlborough St, near where my dorm was, and fought back tears because I don't live back there and unless I set my career goals really low, I won't. Unless one of you finds me a hot Harvard professor to marry. Hell, at this point he could even teach at BU.

I met up with Joy and KB to celebrate Joy's birthday and ate really yummy Asian food (they had all kinds there: Korean, Chinese, Japanese...). Joy had two martinis and we went across the street to Solas, an Irish pub (in Boston? get out!), where we each had a couple more drinks and decided to call it a night.

The next day I left for NY and saw a really great comedy show in the village called Invite Them Up. It's full of smart, irreverent performers, the kind we all like. I saw a couple of stand outs, including Will Franken and Mike Birbiglia. Thursday I met up with Julie, my college friend whose wedding prompted the trip back there, for a little shopping and lunch, and then saw my transplanted LA friend Sarah over dinner. That night I went to the opening (red carpet and all) of a swanky new comedy club in the Meatpacking District called Comix. Sarah Silverman hosted and Josh Blue (Last Comic Standing winner this year) and Flight of the Conchords (a favorite of Doc Broc's and mine) performed. I ran into a few people I knew and met a bunch of people I didn't know, so the night was fruitful on all counts.

I meandered around on Friday, even in the pouring rain (a time when NY is only romantic INSIDE) and went to a cocktail thingy that night that Julie's family hosted. Saturday I went to the new MOMA (not sure when they're going to stop calling it "new"). It definitely lived up to the hype. I spent over an hour on just the top floor, which included sufficient time drooling over the Warhols. No matter how many Monets and Rembrandts I've seen in person, it's still a little overwhelming to take in Pop Art that you've grown up with (or maybe I'm just confusing it with all the Campbells Soup I ate as a kid).

Saturday night I went to Julie's wedding, which was elegant as well as touching. With all the rain that New York had seen that week, it finally cleared up in time for her to be married on a rooftop in midtown. The weather couldn't have been better. After the ceremony, we feasted on steak and sushi and inhaled the open bar and danced like crazy.

<-------Julie and our friend Casey, acting very wedding-y.

And that pretty much makes us current.

Ahem

2006-08-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

I'm on a break for a while. I'll let you know when I re-up this thing.

Oh, Canada

2006-07-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

'Sup, Bitches -

On Friday, I'll be in Montreal for the comedy fest, so I'll actually have something noteworthy to blog about. Come back here late next week - I might even have photos!

Dogs Rock

2006-07-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

I actually updated this more recently with a post about my Mom, but because I started it weeks ago, it fell in at that date and not up top.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a photo of her dogs.

Yay!

2006-06-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Kelly - Shoes

Bizarre but hilarious.

Blue Velvet / Blue Skies

2006-06-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

Wanna know the weather in LA? Just ask David Lynch.

LOVES IT!

STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

2006-06-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Folks, I fear I have an interloper in blogland.

I was talking to my Mom the other night about Joy's post (The Day of Nolan) and she came out with "so I suppose you have a blog, too", which I replied quickly with "Uh, no. Huh-uh." She's like "Oh come on now!" which, after having her as my mother for 32 years, I recognize from a mile away as her "don't give me that shit" tone. I came back with "No, really, I just don't have enough to say." And after that I got about 90 seconds of nothing, which I know to interpret as, "I know you're lying, but I don't want to get into it, so I'm going to drown you with silence."

Now, there's really not anything on here that's too incriminating (though I've blogged about plenty that I'm not necessarily proud of), but I still haven't told many people in the outside world about this, mainly because the more people I tell, the less open I can be. I've really limited this to people who know me well and accept me for who I am, hangovers, work rants and all.

Boosting Away My Sins

2006-06-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Throughout the course of my social life, there are occasions where I choose to partake in a drink (or six) and potentially some "party favors" (ahem), and in extreme times, these items lead up to an allnighter.

Once I wake up, there's the usual attempt to recollect what happened the night before (or earlier that morning): the beer/scotch/rum incident, the joints, and whatever else has contributed to the overall nastiness going on in my head.

When I'm able to peel myself out of bed and throw on clothes that don't resemble anything I was wearing during said debauchery, I haul myself into the nearest Jamba Juice.

Seriously, Jews have the high holy days to atone; Catholics have confession. As someone who closely resembles a Protestant, I feel I can wash away my sins with the use of a health shake. (Years of learned denial justify this thinking.)

There's something about being in an environment that's completely devoid of anything wrong or questionable. The Jamba store is filled with fruit, sorbet, ice, juice, and wheatgrass. I'll suck down my giant RazzMaTazz and feel all the regret of recent nights past filter out of my body with the help of the fiber boost. Once I've gone through my version of detox, I feel like I'm back to zero and all is right with my place in the world (meaning I feel more like the person my parents still think I am).

I got nuthin'

2006-05-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well, not nothing, but I don't have much to blog about at length, however I don't want to face the wrath of Joy or Dru or Doctor (then again, they've gotten behind recently as well), so here's what's been going on in my electric world:

THE BAD:

I'm broke. I was really good about putting money aside for federal taxes, but completely forgot about state. Now I'm wiped out, and the nice cushion I had is almost depleted. Sad.

I want a boyfriend, and not because I'm broke, but because I need someone to do shit with. (Sorry for the repeat, Broc). I missed out on an opening at MOCA and seeing one of my clients headline at the Improv this weekend because no one ever wants to do anything. I want my +1.

THE GOOD:

Eugene Mirman. I finally devoted some time to checking out his web site, which is filled with funny videos and a photo of a child (presumably him) who sings songs like Friends in Low Places and Satisfaction. He's apparently one of the darlings of the New York comedy scene (Eugene, not the kid), so I'm definitely checking out his show when I'm there in September.

Sam Phillips. If you watch Gilmore Girls (and you should, and I don't want to hear any shit about it), she does the "la la la"'s in between scenes, as well as entire songs featured in the show. I guess she used to be a Christian recording artist, but I'll forgive her for that because now she's fucking awesome. I normally don't like female singer/songwriters, but what she does is so raw and stripped down that you can't help but feel for her and identify with what she's saying.

My drum lessons are going well. I slacked for a while, but my drum teacher, who's like the nicest guy in the world, got on me a few weeks ago, so since then I've really been devoting time to it. I've got some basic beats down and 10 of the 52 rudiments, and he's teaching me about "fills", what drummers use to bridge phrases in a song. When I concentrate, it's got me listening to music in a whole new way. Sometimes it's like hearing a song I like for the first time all over again, which is so exciting.

Gimme an A

2006-05-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Ebony aka Adams aka Broccoli is defending her doctoral thesis tomorrow (5/11) on a topic about which I have absolutely no idea. Really, I think it has something to do with a guy named Frank. And I think he's an artist....or a writer. Honestly, even if she told me, I'm sure I couldn't grasp it.

I met Ebony in gym class in 7th grade. The first funny thing she shared with me was her imitation of what people look like when they laugh so hard that nothing comes out of their mouths. Ask her to do it for you sometime, it's hilarious. For the last 20 years (yeah, 20 mutherfucker), she's consistently been one of the funniest and smartest people I've ever known, which is saying a lot. She's found a way to seamlessly juxtapose enviable intelligence and leveling wit with a healthy dose of self-deprecation into one charismatic personality. And she has fantastic taste in men.

She's spent the better part of the last 10 years working on what she's presenting to the committee, a group of academics who will determine whether or not we get to spend the rest of time referring to her as "Doctor" (cause you know she'll make us). No matter what happens, it can't be argued that it wasn't time well spent. She finished. She'll know then what it is to see something through that's THIS monumental. If she has concerns about her future, she shouldn't; not much will be insurmountable in the face of this accomplishment.

Way to go, Broc. I'm proud of you!

Ed., this just in - she did it!

Crazy

2006-05-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, new band time. On the advice of my drum teacher, I gave Gnarls Barkley a listen. Since it's one-half Danger Mouse (who brought us the infamous "Grey" album), it's got the pedigree of a supergroup.

Needless-to-say, it blew my mind. I could say that it's like sampled soul music, but that doesn't even scratch the surface (this is why I could never be a rock critic). It's got similar qualities of Platinum Pied Pipers, who I blogged about in November, but produced in a way that makes me feel like it's completely new. Their single out right now (and my new ringtone) is "Crazy".

Check it out and let me know what you think.

That's So My 20's

2006-05-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

So, my co-worker recently went out with this guy, a fellow comic she met on MySpace. They took a novel approach to dating, kind of a 'pre-date', an idea that was recently highlighted during an episode of the Lisa Loeb show on E!. Instead of doing the dinner or drinks thing, they met at Best Buy and ran errands together, which I think is fucking genius. He explains it a lot better than I can, so I'm going to cut and paste his blog entry here:

Truth in advertising...

I'm convinced dates are a thing of the past. Archaic. Useless. Forced, unnatural, pressure filled social outings designed to scare both parties involved. No, kids, I believe we are seeing the end of the traditional date as a way of getting to know someone.

Now... let me pause and explain as to not offend the romantic crowd. Fancy clothes, posh restaurants, and whispered sweet little nothings still have a place. Just not at the start.

It goes like this...

Girl and Boy meet. How? Doesn't matter. Internet, work, or, say, comedy show. Whatever. They meet. There's something there. What? Girl and Boy aren't sure. Life is confusing. Romance doubly so. Girl and Boy talk (which in this day and age usually means through e-mail) and they decide that they should be in the same place, at the same time, in an effort to get to know each other better. They owe it to each other to at least investigate the pulse of a connection they may have stumbled onto. Maybe they'll become friends or maybe they'll find that they don't have anything in common. Or maybe they'll end up one day having awkward sex in a shower. You don't know any of this when you first meet. At the start you're just two people that like what they see and hear. No one meets someone and thinks, "Awesome. One day I am totally going to have a big screaming match with this person and break up, leaving both of us in tears and therapy." There is an inherent hope that comes with meeting someone new. Roll around in it and enjoy the ride, I say.

So, my point is, there is no need to dash that hope early with a big, fancy date. Half way through you could both realize that this ain't happening and now you're stuck with each other because the helicopter trip over the wilderness was paid for in advance. The key, folks, is to get your errands done.

That's right. Errands. Go to Best Buy and use that rebate card you've been meaning to spend. Go to a large department store and pay a bill. Or go to Home Depot to get that toilet part you've needed. Or do it all in one day. Just do it with that person you're trying to get to know. Yeah, it is a little awkward at first because these tasks are normally reserved for couples that have long since lost the passion for sex, small talk, or watching the same TV shows. But Girl and Boy aren't a couple... not yet or maybe never... too early to tell. Yet if you want to get to know someone then why start that process in a false reality? Why start it while trying to remember to keep your elbows of the fancy restaurant table? Go do what you would be doing on a Sunday afternoon if that person wasn't with you. Then, while you meander through the DVD racks or search through the toilet section at Home Depot, you can get a better handle on what that person is about. Then, and only then, will you learn that both of would rather search an entire hardware store for a cabinet catch that may or may not exist then dare to ask any store clerk for help in locating this mystery item. You're not going to learn that while rushing to make an eight o'clock dinner reservation. And, if things go really bad, and that person failed to even come close to matching the person they were while exchanging thirteen e-mails over the course of three days... then... well... at least you got your toilet fixed.

He's totally right. When you do the traditional date, it brings up all that anxiety about where to go, what to wear, all for someone you have no idea if you'll like. It makes more sense to save the dressing up, the waxing, the polishing, the cleaning (for girls, anyway) for someone worthwhile. So many times after unsuccussful first dates (and there've been many) I'm reminded of that Deana Carter album, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?". At least this way, all is not lost. You still used the rebate card.

I hear ya

2006-05-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

I know I'm woefully behind in my blogging, which doesn't yeild the most loyal readership, but stay with me folks, I promise something later.

Crack Mama?

2006-04-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Now for something more lighthearted....

The "Caroline" who commented on my Idiot Boy entry is not the same one from the famed Thptpth, but instead from the more famous Caroline on Crack blog.

If you live in Los Angeles, there's a veritable cacophony of restaurants to try, bars to drink in, places to meet a potential date, and bakeries to experience the perfect cupcake. I like to think after 10 years that I have a pretty impressive mental database, but sometimes it's nice to pick the brain of someone like-minded.

CoC does a terrific job of reviewing all of the above and more in a simple, yet thorough, post. She provides first-hand knowledge and often a photo to help illustrate the decadence of the pastry or the potential debauchery of the watering hole, making her blog even more addicting than the street drug she references.

Holy Crap, Maybe It Helped?

2006-04-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Great thanks to those of you who sent some warmth and hope for my friend. While she and those involved have a lot of life adjustments to make, the results that could have made the situation much worse turned out to be negative. And things on other fronts concerning this are progressing nicely. So....yay!

I Need Your Help

2006-04-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

I got hit with some news last night concerning one of my dearest friends. Earthshattering, heartbreaking news that I'm still stunned and numbed by.

Things are bad for her now. Truly, utterly horrible, at a time when I, stupidly, didn't think things could get much harder for her. And it could potentially get worse.

I don't ask for much - seriously - but I'm calling in favors now. Please, think good thoughts and send good vibes out in my direction and I'll pass them on to her. If you pray, do that too. I really, really need for this to happen.

Thanks.

What are you TALKing about?!

2006-03-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

So, a certain guy who I may or may not have mentioned on here just pulled a doozy.

For my own sanity, I'd kept my distance from him since the holidays because, quite frankly, I was tired of being dicked around. And not in the good way.

So we talked last week briefly, the first time in a while, at which point he stressed that he was "absurdly horny". Direct, sure, but flirty all the same.

I invited him to my bday shindig, which he responded to quickly.....with a +1. So I sent him an AIM with, "hiya, who ya bringin?" Here's how he replied:

[17:05] ME: who ya bringin?
[17:06] Idiot: well....i was gonna talk to you about that
[17:06] Idiot: ive been seeing someone.....
[17:07] Idiot: and i was wondering if it woudl be ok with you to bring her
[17:08] Idiot: annnnnnd....silence
[17:08] ME: are you serious?
[17:08] Idiot: um
[17:08] Idiot: yes?
[17:09] Idiot: i am now feeling retarded
[17:09] ME: yeah, I think that's a bad idea
[17:10] Idiot: ok
[17:10] Idiot: im sorry
[17:10] ME: no worries
[17:10] ME: I just think it's inappropriate
[17:10] Idiot: ok
[17:10] Idiot: im wickedly embarrased
[17:12] ME: well.....
[17:21] ME: in fact, and not to sound like a dick, but I think it's best that you don't come at all
[17:22] Idiot: ok
[17:22] Idiot: fair enough
[17:22] Idiot: again...im sorry
[17:23] ME: hey, there's nothing to apologize for

I ask you, can you beLIEVE that shit?!

Now, by no means were we serious or together or even dating, really, unless you count a bunch of nights hanging out in bars and drunken hookups as such, but you know, there was somewhat of a courting period, and that one night when I stayed over and he fell asleep...holding my hand and smiling, which is when I stupidly started to care.

But I mean....REALLY.

To my mutherF*&#*@$ birthday party!

Giddy-up

2006-03-27T11:52:00.001-08:00

I played the ponies this weekend for the first time at Santa Anita. I highly recommend going to your local track if you get a chance. You're outside, you can gamble, and there's all sorts of terrific crappy grandstand food to fill up on like beer and hotdogs.

Me in a nutshell - the last month

2006-03-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Old roommate drama, fell down stairs at work, busted toe, friend drama, friend drama, got the flu, more friend drama, people are crazy, is mercury still in retrograde?, spent the weekend in SF, partied like a rock star, chilled, ate some amazing food, saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party (which I HIGHLY recommend), drove back in a torrential downpour, came back to work drama, Mom comes to town tomorrow (so a good chance for parental drama), rinse and repeat.

And I have a big fat reminder next week that I'm getting older.

I got chills....they're multiplyin'

2006-03-15T10:40:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I'm writing this after the fact, but here it is: I had the flu. Granted, it was a 24 hour bug, but jesus, it was enough to make my bathroom look like Vietnam.

I'd rather have a cold for three weeks than one day of having to choose which end things were going to come out of. Ew, I know.

All I can say is, God bless Homegrocer.com

Also, I busted my toe falling down the stairs at my office. WTF.

Uma....Oprah....Oscar

2006-03-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to offer regarding last night's event de cinema, other than that I'm now even more in love with Jon Stewart than I was before.

Forgive me if it's lame to blog about a blog, but Dave Barry's account is so much funnier than anything I could come up with:

THE ACADEMY AWARDS
I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.
UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.
UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.
UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.
UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.
UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.
UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?
UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.
UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.
UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.
UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.
UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?
UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.
UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...
UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.
UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.
UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.
UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.
UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.
UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.
UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.
UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.
UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.
UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.
UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.
UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.
UPDATE: Hey! A montage!
UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.
UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.
UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?
UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.
UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.
UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.
UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.
UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.
UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?
UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.
UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.
UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.
UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.
UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

God Bless 1s and 0s

2006-03-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

I know wireless technology, and laptops for that matter, have been around for quite a while, but I'm sitting outside the coffeehouse around the corner from my place (yes, in early March. Let's give a shoutout to LA while we're at it.), completely disconnected from an outlet and telephone or cable cord, drinking hot raspberry tea, checking my email, smoking a cigarette, watching traffic go by just a few feet from me, and talking to a friend of mine over AIM who's thousands of miles away.

Pretty sweet.

Tag

2006-02-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

I know, huh? It's been a while. I've really had nothing new to report, so I'll offer yet another cool web thingy that I found.

Dodgeball.com is a service that works with the web and your cell phone. You sign up on their site and link to friends. While you're out, say, at a bar, you send a text to Dodgeball with the name of the place, and it sends notices out to the friends you've linked with letting them know where you are if they want to meet up. It's free and it serves 22 cities. If you don't want to be found, you just don't check in, and if you don't want notices from your friends, you just send an "off" message to the service.

I'm on the LA one, obviously, but if you want to link to me, I'm on the home page (still, I think) and signed up under my hotmail account.

Hey Mr. DJ

2006-02-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

My friend Nic just introduced me to the newest way I can procrastinate at work AND listen to music: Pandora.

From their home page:

Can you help me discover more music that I'll like?
Those questions often evolved into great conversations. Each friend told us their favorite artists and songs, explored the music we suggested, gave us feedback, and we in turn made new suggestions. Everybody started joking that we were now their personal DJs.
We created Pandora so that we can have that same kind of conversation with you.

Basically, you type in a band name or song title and based on a bunch of scientific criteria, they find other music in their library that matches and plays it for you. From this, stations are created and they'll save them in your account so you can access them later. It's a great way to discover artists you might not have otherwise heard of.

Puppy Bowl II

2006-02-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm blatantly copying my friend Todd, who just blogged about this on My Space, but it's worth spreading to the masses, so WTF.

Animal Planet came up with the genius idea to counter-program against the Super Bowl using a show that features puppies. Yup, just puppies. Puppies playing on a mock football field with toys, specifically. And when they piddle, a ref enters and throws a flag down (their version of a penalty) and cleans it up. I discovered it last year as I was cleaning my place to have a couple of friends over to watch the game. I was flipping channels near MTV to find some music and there it was - Puppy Bowl. I was transfixed, and as my friends and I watched the "real" event, we found ourselves changing back more and more.

It's too damn cute for words and, I swear, feeds my soul.

Just a number?

2006-01-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

22. Jebus.

How old do you act?

She chops

2006-01-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

This one is for you, Ms. Adams:

Broc

Not so "Simple"

2006-01-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

Found a new group I like: Simple Kid . I think he's just one guy, which makes me think he's like a combo of Badly Drawn Boy and The Incredible Moses Leroy . Anyway, when you get to his site, click on the menu button on the lower right, then MP3, and listen to "Staring at the Sun".

Too many Van Pattens work in Hollywood

2006-01-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks for nothing, Dick.

http://www.imdb.com/find?q=%22Van%20Patten%22;s=all

Ouch.

2006-01-11T17:13:00.000-08:00

Did you ever look at an inanimate object and think, "Somewhere, I bet there's a fetish group for that."?

Rock on!

2006-01-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

So, until Friday, I had no idea that Urban Dictionary existed. Be sure to check out my friend Rory's word that was just added, "Keith Mooned".

On the lighter side...

2006-01-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

I was reviewing my last few posts and realized I've done a lot of bitching lately. In the interest of lightening up, I thought I'd treat everyone to a photo of some beagle puppies. Really, is there anything cuter?

All together now: awwwwww!

Verizon DSL can kiss my 2006 ass

2006-01-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be more eloquent, but at this particular moment I'm in the middle of my second cold in a month. I blame the climate changes during holiday travel, too many time zones, and my own mother's germs for getting me to this point. And on my two days off before I go back to work, too. Blech.

Anyway, I'm posting this for anyone who might be considering Verizon DSL. They blow. They dicked me out of service for two months as I remained in some sort of customer limbo, and when I tried to get to the bottom of it (during my vacation, *ahem*), they were less than helpful and hung up on me. After HOURS waiting in the queue during various calls.

Adelphia, here I come.

FNG: RIP

2005-12-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

Some of you are aware of the ongoing boy drama I experienced this Fall/Winter, which was highly entertaining, extremely hot, and intermittently frustrating. I've been on quite a ride, but I'm putting a stop to at least some of it for the time being. As of now, I'm shelving the homme you've come to know as Friday Night Guy. Let's just say the heat and the entertainment were superseded by the frustration, which is not what I want to start my 2006 with. I appreciate anyone who put up with my pain in the ass obsessive-ness over the last few months ("but ok, we did this, and this is what he said...what do you think it means? but it's HOW he said it...." BAH!) Done.

Of course, there's still Saturday Night Guy...

Can I dial "9" to get out of my life?

2005-12-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to be bitter at Christmas while you're with your family? Fuckit, I'll sidestep my self-imposed guilt trip and launch into a holiday rant.

My Dad got a "winter location" in Arizona earlier this year, a house not too far outside of Phoenix, for the times he feels that Cheyenne - with it's mostly mild winters - would be too cold. "In Arizona," he declared, "I can golf in February!" This from a man who picked up his clubs a total of seven times in my youth, despite having a membership to the Country Club.

I checked it out in late Spring, and it's very nice blahblahblah. Round about September, he decided that this is where Christmas would be. Now, I've lived in LA for almost 10 years and I've spent most of the Thanksgivings within that time in close proximity to a pool. But of the few things I know in my life, one of them is that Jesus wants me to celebrate his bday in a cold climate. In a place I'm familiar with. Near my childhood friends and at least three bars we've gotten drunk in during college in an effort to erase whatever familial obligations we had to endure that day.

Nope, not this year. This year, my Grandma would get to see the house, hang outside in 75 degree weather, and then force us to keep the HEAT on at night. I compose this from the coolest room in the house with a fan above me and a window open. Did I mention I get to sleep on a futon? And the room has another window toward the top of the wall that doesn't have a SHADE? Don't even get me started on my lack of a car to use as an escape to the nearest Barnes and Noble (where I spent a lot of my daytime last year).

This is starting to make my Mom look good.

God bless the two bottles of Asti in the fridge.

Merry Christmas.

Table for ?

2005-12-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm getting shit for not posting since last week. It's the holidays, I'm sick, and honestly, I have nothing of note to say, but in the interest of maintaining my loyal fanbase (*ahem*), I'll offer this cool little find. It's called Open Table . If you're like me and you love going out to eat and feel fancy for doing so, this is a great place to make your reservations and get something back for it.

Country BlueGrass Blues

2005-12-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

Praise the lord, CBGB will remain open until Oct 31st.

Read the news here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051208/ap_en_mu/music_cbgb_s_lease

Off the wagon

2005-12-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

I lasted eight days and amazingly didn't go crazy when I kicked it back into gear. I celebrated the other night by stealing a pair of sake cups from a Japanese restaurant and almost getting kicked out of a bar for smoking.

Sober as a judge

2005-11-29T12:38:00.000-08:00

I've taken a self-appointed sabbatical from drinking. Yup, I'm on the wagon. I'd had multiple social opportunities recently that afforded me the environment within which to drink excessively, and to be honest, I've gotten a little bored of it. So for the last week, I've been off the sauce.

Now, there are plenty of weeks that I've gone longer without social lubricants, but those were during far less popular times. It's a completely different story when you find yourself at a popular Mexican restaurant for a friend's birthday and no less than three tequila shots - FREE tequila shots (Don Julio, too!) - are passed under your nose at the urging of your friends. I passed on all of them. Where's my medal?

It was strange to sit there without a drink in my hand, the familiar anchor I'd grown so accustomed to. It's not that I feared I'd lose my social skills or be unable to carry on a conversation (hell, I was even able to flirt somewhat adeptly with the cute guy sitting next to me toward the end of the night). I think it's because I've felt that alcohol brings out the best parts of my personality: my humor, my charm, my bravado (wow, listen to me). Without something to wash down the initial awkwardness of any social situation, I'm left without a crutch, the sloppy veneer that I could hide behind.

What the hell, it's only 'til tomorrow.

Cheers!

Follow the beat...

2005-11-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

I spent a large part of my long Thanksgiving weekend searching for used CDs and stumbled across two new bands (well, new to me):

Platinum Pied Pipers offer danceable hip hop (as opposed to crabby, thug hip hop), but what caught my attention is their groovy, jazz version of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover". I love it when something so familiar can be remade by an unexpected genre.

Breakestra is a funk/soul group from L.A. Be sure to listen to "Hit tha Floor".

Seriously people

2005-11-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

Answer the Proust thing in the comments section. It's not up there only for my own narcissistic tendencies.

In dreams...

2005-11-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Here are a list of some of the things I've dreamt about in the last week:

Big spiders in my house

Making out with a girl, who I think represented a guy I actually did go out with recently

Keith Richards asking if he could feel me up

Swimming with dolphins

Anyone wanna help me figure out my psyche?

Even better

2005-11-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

Yup, still drunk. A glass of wine and five scotches, four of which were in the last two hours of the night. It beats a hangover.

Saw Spoon last night. Maybe not as rockin as past shows, but still fucking good. Total originals. Check em out at www.spoontheband.com .

Proust Questionnaire

2005-11-16T10:54:00.001-08:00

James Lipton be damned, this is the real deal (please post your own answers - I reserve the right to change mine on any given day):

Your most marked characteristic?
Humor
The quality you most like in a man?
Chivalry
The quality you most like in a woman?
Support
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty
What is your principle defect?
Jealousy
What is your favorite occupation?
I'm lucky enough to do it
What is your dream of happiness?
Laughter and respect with those I love
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Regret
What would you like to be?
Me, with a little more patience and security. And money.
In what country would you like to live?
I love France, but I'm so American I belong here.
What is your favorite color?
Blue
What is your favorite flower?
Rose
What is your favorite bird?
Cardinal
Who are your favorite prose writers?
Hemingway, Hawthorne, Salinger, Bret Easton Ellis, Jay McInerney
Who are your favorite poets?
Ugh, poetry
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Holden Caulfield
Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Phoebe Caulfield
Who are your favorite composers?
Shostakovich, Vaughn-Williams, Tchaivoksky, Copeland, any of the minor Russians
Who are your favorite painters?
Rembrandt, Klee, Basquiat, Kandinsky, Hockney
Who are your heroes in real life?
Uncorrupted leaders, philanthropists, my grandparents
What are your favorite names?
Charlotte, Caroline, Zephyr, Ryan
What is it you most dislike?
Elitism
What historical figures do you most despise?
That's pretty obvious
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Better discipline
How would you like to die?
Better than I am now, and old and loved
What is your present state of mind?
Anxious
What is your motto?
Choose your battles

Irony

2005-11-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Irony is when you take your car to the fancy car wash, the kind where they vacuum and dust and polish everything by hand, and then back into a guard rail just hours later and fuck up your bumper.

Feelin Kinda Patton

2005-11-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

Check out Patton Oswalt sometime, either on TV (he's all over Comedy Central, both on his special -"No Reason to Complain" and his new road show "Comedians of Comedy"), or online: www.pattonoswalt.com (you can get live dates there, too). He's priceless. Hands down, my favorite comedian. No one touches my funny bone the deepest (NOT dirty). I picked up his CD last night (even my jaded ass will put down money for it) and laughed until I cried.

Jasmine Ong is a rock star

2005-11-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

I was ruminating on my way to work today about the mission statement of this blog, and among the many points I came up with (which I'll go into another time, some even involve NOT talking about my hangovers), I decided for this instance I'd do a shout-out to a good friend of mine.

Some of you were lucky enough to have met Jasmine either when she was my roommate or while she was out here visiting a couple of years ago. I missed her birthday last month, so what better way to make it up to her than in a public forum.

Jasmine and I lived together for a little over two years, and she's by far been my favorite roommate. We shared enough in common to hold each other's interest (midwestern born, art lovers, music freaks) in addition to being different enough to make it interesting. Of all the memories we shared, my favorites involved the times we'd hang in the living room and bullshit and crack each other up. I was privileged to bear witness to her terrific talents as a friend, and have since been fortunate enough to be included in that group.

Travel took her away from LA in 2003, and she's now found a good place in Dallas to pursue her career in jewelry making (some of you have seen the awesome stuff she's made and given me). By the grace of technology, we've managed to keep in touch sporadically.

Anyway, congrats on another year, dude! I hope it rocked.

Brgunmdhft...

2005-11-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

...is about how I feel right now. I went to see this really great band, Tim (yes, Tim) in the South Bay and they played until almost 2 AM. Check em out at www.timtheband.com. They were worth staying up for.