New Year, New Men, New Material

Sometimes I wish I WAS a comedian so I could go on stage and make jokes from the things that happen in my life.

I put up a post on Craigslist yesterday looking for dates. I did this last fall and lost interest, so I thought, hey, I'm about to turn 33, I better get that sucker in before I start to look old on paper. So I put it up the day before the big change.

If you can connect the dots, today is my birthday.

I thought I'd post a few of the responses I got back for your reading pleasure (no dick shots - amazing). To fill you in, the title was "I Don't Have Cats", to indicate that while I was in my early 30s, I'm not a crazy, lonely cat lady who watches her box sets of Ally McBeal and eats Lean Cuisine for dinner.

Enjoy.

Sounds great and since I am allergic to cats that's a plus. I like that you say from friends to a full blown relationship. The relieves any pressure as men are different or at least I am when its based on friendship. Are you going to hold it against me that I drive the typical Black BMW? Oh ya I hate scotch

I wrote back a little something to this guy that I'd overlook the BMW and the scotch thing is fine as long as he doesn't mind that I'll be drinking it. He wrote back:

Just no kisses from me if you are drinking that sht

Awesome.

Here's another, titled "Hay":

What’s up with you? Me I just want to chat so drop me a line and we can talk. I’m from Texas. I smoke and drink. I’m white 5'11. My home is in Texas but I am currently living and working in Manhattan Beach, CA. I have been married to a black woman for three years and the thing is I have been day dreaming about white girls so much lately I just cant stand it no more. I really don’t know anything else to do about it except just doing it. I mean this is the perfect opportunity to get it out of my system while I am in here CA. and she is back in Texas. There is one problem. I am working six and seven days a week so there’s no time to meet any girls. So here I am. Drop me a line if you would like to be with a good guy with a long thick wand, yes it really is and I know how to use it very well for a white guy you will fall in love with me. Email me and we'll start by exchanging more pix and chat a while.

Another:

hi there:

i like ur ad.

Shortly about me: Educated, Classy, Humorous,
Sporty, Handsome: 6'4"-5", fit, Dark Hair, Blue
Eyes, White. Intelligent, Decisive, 29 year.
Strong personality.

My schedule is busy. I don't have so much time for
playing games or wasting time. Please drop me a line
back; and tell
me a bit more about urself what you do. please send
me a photo i will send you mine. let us tray to
catchup.

Mik

What a charmer, and I'm pretty sure he didn't even spell his own name right.

I certainly like a good time in and out of bed. Im 42 in N Hollywood, 5-8, brown hair/eyes, 170
Send photo please if you have. if theres chemistry maybe we can be friends+more ?

Woo, I said, woohoo.

You have perfect spelling and I find that attractive in itself. I'm a
successful Ivy League advance degreed professional on the west side.

Now, I have to admit I'm a sucker for good spelling, grammar, and punctuation, so I kind of get where this guy is coming from, but it won't stop me from making fun of him, starting with the fact that this is ALL HE SENT. No greeting, no sign off, this is it. So apparently he's hot over my use of the English language, but he's not so into writing proper correspondence.

Hi, My name is James, I am a white male, 6'3", 215lbs., blue eyes, short brown hair, and no facial hair. I am Hiv-negative and never had any STD's. I keep myself clean and I shower twice a day. I am a non-smoker, but it is okay if you smoke. I rarely drink and I am not into drugs.

I do have a cat and I also feed the other cats in the nieghborhood.

The last movie I seen was called Zodiac and I seen it at the theatre in Burbank two weeks ago. I am open to most kinds of music, but I really do not listen to most Rap music.

If we were to have sex, I believe in oraly pleasing the woman first.

James

Cleanliness is not next to...well, really anything else I'd like to date that you don't have, James. But bravo for your stance on eating me out.

And for the piece de resistance:

I like to singa about tha moon uh tha June uh and spring uh.I like to singa about a tea for two and tha sky a blu anythinga with uh swinga to sing I luv you.I thought its a funny song but yo my is ruben and I dig music cars ,motorcycles vespas and coffee I dont usually drink but I am not afraid to drink a stout.anywhoo I figured in a perfect world I found friends are the tru love..

Thanks Ruben. I like to sing about the moon in June as well....with the lesbian I'll now be dating because there's no way in hell I'm going out with any of these losers.

What I'm Up To

I can't figure out how to add that wiget like Joy has on her blog that lists all the stuff I'm into right now, so I'm just going to add it here:

First of all, I love hyperlinks. I try to find an excuse to use them in almost every personal email. They're so fun and interactive.

I'm reading Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis. I don't think a lot of people get why I like him and Jay McInerney as much as I do, so I rarely recommend them. I've devoured everything BEE has written, but it's taken me a year and a half to finally get into this. Now I'm crazy about it. It combines a lot of elements from past books, so if you're a fan, it's a real payoff.

I'm listening to Money Mark's new album, Brand New By Tomorrow. He's the keyboardist for the Beasties. It's a lot different than what you think he'd do. For one thing, he sings on it. I'm not on board with everything on there, but there's some stuff worth checking out. My friend and drum teacher, John, played on the Japanese version.

Watching: way too much TV. I'm on the fence about getting rid of cable. I should keep it to keep up with Comedy Central, but it sucks me in way too easily.

Thinking: I need a vacation. I'm seriously fried from work and the anger and tension has built up to where it's affecting me after hours. I'm going to AZ this weekend to see my Dad, which is good since I really need to get away. A simple weekend just isn't doing it anymore.

Cooking - I want to try Larb. It's Thai and really good at Toi, one of my favorite places in LA. You can make it with different meats, but I like it with ground beef. It uses a lot of lime juice and spices. I still haven't figuered out what you eat it with (bread? crackers?) but it's really tasty.

Oh-fer Cute!

I'm trying to figure out how to finish my Chinese restaurant rant to post here. In the meantime, here's a photo of a baby otter, courtesy of the LA Times: