Seven Words + A Million More

George Carlin died tonight in Santa Monica of a heart attack. He was 71.

Technically, the term used was "heart failure", but I hate the idea of saying that. Sure, medically his heart gave out and didn't hold up its end of the bargain by keeping him alive. But in every other sense, his heart was far from failing.

He's a comedy giant. Just...a giant, a fucking idol. He is (was...I hate the past tense) a pioneer. He wasn't just a stand-up; he was more like a comedic philosopher king. I remember watching his HBO specials as a kid (my parents unaware) probably a lot earlier than I should have been. I grew up watching those specials, all 14 of them. Fourteen hours of new, really good material. Do you know what a feat that is? Most comics don't have an hour of solid material until they're at least 10 years into it, and few are able to move beyond that set.

My Mom used to try to deter me from swearing by saying that educated people didn't use those words. George was a high school drop-out, but he was one of the smartest people out there.

In times like this, most people say "R.I.P." I hope for the sake of Heaven and God (which he didn't believe in, but I do) he's up there, pissed off as ever, unpeaceful, and making everyone laugh like he did down here.

**********************************************************************

Enjoy this clip and delight in his delicious love of language:

Well This Sucks...

I just got back into town tonight, almost a week away from my laptop, and discovered upon booting it back up that all of my bookmarks are gone. GONE. One of the few things I'd actually organized (Job Stuff, Blogs, Comedy Promotions, etc). Fuck. I can't think that a virus could do that, could it? I mean, that sounds so specific, to erase only bookmarks.

UGH!

Anyone else ever hear of this?

Wave Your Hands In The Air

Joy and I were talking earlier this evening about the monstrosity that is Scarlett Johansson's new album full of Tom Waits covers (And no, I'm not linking it. That insufferable snot doesn't need any more help selling her whore-tastic idea, plus there's an entire blog-rant I'm publishing on its release day, so just you wait.)

I won't go into it, but we stumbled across this lovely gem:



Yup, remember Mr Mister? Ooooh, the deliciousness of it all. It's like part of a time capsule from junior high for me. Everything in there - everything - reeks of cliche. Only this was, I don't know, 1987? So back then, this stuff wasn't ironic. Witness:

Backstage hijinks!

Limo goofyness! (did the lead singer just lean out the window and eat sushi while the car is in motion? Oh yes he did!)

Random acts of tap dancing!

Over-the-head hand clapping at the "breakin' it down" mark!

Slo-mo jump in the air with the guitar!

Slo-mo spin with the guitar!

Entire band walking down the beach, lead singer stops to skip a rock into the ocean!

Running in place in front of the mic!

Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Did the limo break down, thus forcing the very band inside to push it from behind to help? Oh those guyyyyyyys!

High five hit on the beat!

Old guy playing the accordion on the boardwalk!

...and other casual snippets of their lives off-stage.

I had a crush on the lead singer for about two weeks, and looking at this again reminds me that he was kind of foxy. I wasn't wrong about that one.

Anyway, watch for yourselves. You'll thank me later.

Mix It Up

Check it out - online mix tapes!

http://jenhen.muxtape.com/

You can make your own here: http://muxtape.com/

Unfortunately, you can only use MP3s and most of my songs are 4s, so it's not the best cross-section of my tunes, but at least there's no Steely Dan.

Rub-a-dub-dub

I "befriended" Martha Plimpton on Myspace a while ago. I hadn't thought about her for a long time prior, other than to remember her as a very good actress, and I don't know how I stumbled across her page, but I'm thankful I did. If you have an account, I strongly suggest you start reading her blog there, which is really funny and heartfelt and interesting (I first got hooked because she wrote about her experience performing in "The Coast of Utopia", Tom Stoppard's magnum opus). She's just cool and open and sometimes raw, particularly in her last post which was published two days ago, around the same time as my bummerfest. Reading her's made me feel better, but what really did the trick was a video she posted by her friend and mega-hottie Craig Bierko called "Bathing with Bierko":



First installment - John Malkovich. Yup, the interview happens IN THE BATHTUB. TOGETHER. I'll say it again.

JOHN MALKOVICH

And he plays along. It opens with Craig washing JM's head. It's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time.

Blergh

Holy crap, people, I think I made it to the end of the internet. I'm so bored. Home on a Friday night, which I should be ok with since I had some friends over last night for dinner and talk. Oh, and I'm b-roke, so that factors in. Right now I'm watching the end of a Gilmore Girls episode I've seen probably 10 times.

My birthday is next Saturday and I'm having a party at my house. I really debated about doing something. I'm kind of tired of planning these things, but really, if not me, than who? No boyfriend, no husband, and as much as I like my local friends, I'm not foolish enough to think anyone would step up to the plate to organize something. That, and I'm a better coordinator than most of them, so if it's going to be done right, I guess I'm the best one for the job.

When your birthday is on a Saturday, it kind of begs for plans. As I said in the Evite I sent out, I've seen everyone awkwardly split the check in years past over dinners, drinks, etc, so this year, everyone is coming over to my place. I'm doing the cleaning and providing of cupcakes, but I'm asking everyone else to bring booze or some sort of food product. Easier for everyone. Next year it falls on a Monday, so this might be the last hurrah. That I'm in charge of, anyway.

So, I've made my To-Do list and it's surprisingly short. Due to two recent parental visits, the house is in pretty good shape. I'm going to hit the 99 cent store this weekend to see what party crap I can find.

So yeah, other than that, my Mom was in town at the end of last month. We managed to not kill each other, and that was even after skipping our necessary daily afternoon naps. We did a little touristy stuff (she was in town Oscar weekend, so we went to Hollywood & Highland where the Kodak theater is and checked out the Academy Awards exhibit and saw the tent set up for the press and red carpet), household stuff (curtains for the kitchen), the Human Giant show at UCB (she was only a teeny bit taken aback at some of their humor), and some quality relaxation. Dad came into town 10 days after that and took care of some car stuff, made some drives up to Malibu, which I hadn't done in a long time, and a Nebraska meeting.

Prior to that, Broc and I went on a beer crawl in the South Bay put on by a friend of mine I know from my previous job. Second year in a row I've gone...good times. Also, my friend Josh and I and a few of our friends did our annual St Pat's breakfast at Tom Bergin's, the only true authentic Irish pub in LA, if you ask me. Corned beef hash, eggs, and Irish coffee. Yum.

Job hunting continues, temping continues, comedy shows continue, interviews continue, including one for a dog walking service. Exercise, dogs, outdoors, all good. Broc tipped me off to a job at her new place of business, which was mighty kind of her. I'm off to work on a cover letter. I need money. I need to get my hair done and I don't even know if I'll have enough for highlights. Seems trivial, I know, but I could use the pick-me-up.

So that's me in a nutshell...for now. Approaching official mid-30s and not loving it. Christ, I'm almost 34 and this is my life?

A Note About Forwards

I was going through a very old email inbox and recovered the following. It was sent to me nearly nine years ago and it's still the funniest thing I've ever read. It's a little dated, but still hilarious. Back when everyone was sending forwards like there was no tomorrow, I used to send this as a reply.

Date: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 7:05 PM
Subject: For cynics ONLY...


Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final
exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal
electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead
will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1,000 to you
and everyone you send "his" email? How stupid are you? Ooooh,
looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically,
this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started
by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the
Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant
stupidity. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your
own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 1: (Keep Scrolling)

Make a wish!!!















No, really, go on and make one!!!















Oh please, *that* person will never go out with YOU!!!















Wish something else!!!














Not that, you pervert!!















Is your finger getting tired yet?















STOP!!!!















Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one
is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the
Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent
and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks
again!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 3:

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school
on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She
then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed
down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a
waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain
letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car
and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both
died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day
for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end
up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser
friends, and everything will be okay.

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.

Friends A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is
someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath
smells like you've been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes
you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes. A friend is
someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is
someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad
life. A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs. A
friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... -no, sorry that's
the cleaning lady, A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters
because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on!
If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

AND FINALLY ... ARE YOU GETTING THIS????

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter
he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like
Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all
your knickers missing tomorrow morning."

Things I Fucking Love to Death that More People Should As Well

We all have things that we're so enamored with that we just can't understand why more people don't love them as much as we do. Once again, I urge you to contribute...

Northern Exposure (thanks to Dru for reminding me of this) - well-written plots, fully developed characters, great music. I wanted to live in Cicily. I still do.

Spoon - truly excellent band

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - another truly excellent band

Sushi / Fish - ok, this won't win me over with PETA, but sometimes eating a really fresh piece of sashimi feels like I'm ingesting life.

Instant Messenger - I single-handedly credit this service for keeping Dru and I in contact all these years

Bret Easton Ellis - American Psycho is actually my least favorite book of his. Read the short story "Letters from LA" in "The Informers"

Gilmore Girls (it works both here and in the "burning at the stake" one) - Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham. Sure, it could be super-girly, but it was witty and snarky and so funny, and sometimes made me weepy.

Old Navy Jeans - ok, maybe you like these, too. They're $25! Can you beat that? And they fit great. Actually, let's make it Old Navy in general. I know they probably get their clothes from warehouses in China who force 10 year old kids to work for 25 cents a week, but since when have you been able to buy a pea coat for under $100? Never, that's when. And I know I'll probably go to hell for shopping there, but at this point isn't it a race between that and all the other crap I've done? At least I'll look good while I'm burning up.

Los Angeles - it's been my home for almost 12 years and overall, it's been good to me. Sometimes when I drive down Sunset, I still can't believe I live here. I bristle whenever I hear a negative word about it. Who doesn't love the ocean and 70-something degree weather all year 'round? (Yes, Dru, we all know you're going to say San Francisco. No one argues with you that it's a great city. When shall we expect our AAA maps and brochures to arrive in the mail?)

Things I Like That Will Probably Get Me Burned at the Stake

Justin Timberlake

Spice Girls

Similarly, Victoria Beckham

Gilmore Girls (some of you like this, but I'm always hesitant to bring it up around other people)

The Hills (ok, this one is a guilty pleasure)

Things I Don't Like That Other People Do

Oreos

Brownies

Radiohead

The Wrap Up - Christmas Travel '07

Tyra Banks is stupid. Not offensively stupid, but just enough to bug. I'm watching her in the middle of the night as I type this. I've never seen her show, but she's interviewing Lauren Conrad and I have a Hills fetish that I'm not proud of (shut UP), so the clicker stopped here.

Anyway, I'm back in LA after a near two week respite in the Midwest, and let me just say this: holy fuckballs am I glad I live in LA. Lemme 'splain.

My Dad decided he wanted to celebrate in Cheyenne instead of AZ, which I'm ok with since it's home. No matter that I'd have to fly into Denver and deal with winter, it doesn't seem right not to have cold on Christmas day. So it was set and I flew in on Dec 20th to avoid the rush, which worked well. I decided, after last year's follies, to bring everything on the plane with me to avoid the chance of lost luggage. So, I pulled out my little black roller bag that's just small enough to get on a plane (I'm well versed in TSA regulations by now) and loaded up. I went out and bought three ounce bottles for everything. I limited my clothes, included the much-needed sweaters, put things in plastic bags, and let my family know that, while I appreciate their generosity, presents this year would have to be small.

So I loaded up and made it past security just fine, suitcase, carry-on with my laptop, and my huge puffy winter coat. Which, out of my four flights I took within my time away, was the only time I attempted that. Sure, it was nice to know I had everything with me and wasn't at the mercy of the degenerate baggage handlers and had to waste time waiting and waiting and waiting to get my luggage, but the roller bag was ill-equipped to, well, roll smoothly when so overpacked, PLUS the laptop, PLUS the puffy coat. Enough.

All-in-all, traveling went fairly well this year. No delays in LA getting to Denver, I made it in in time to avoid huge crowds AND the Rockies snow on the 21st. Left for Mom's in NE on the 26th and got to hang at the airport with Jered, friend to many in our corner of the blog-iverse, since he was staying at his folks' across the street and had a flight a few hours after mine. The people at the Lincoln airport weren't dicks, which was a refreshing change. Even DIA wasn't too horrible to deal with. Of course, three of my four flights were delayed, granted not more than 45 min each time, but enough to make me glad I avoided connections.

I'll do a Part II about the actual visits, but I'm back in 74 degree weather. Thank GOD!

Unto us...

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Happy Birthday, Jesus. And Happy Birthday, Broccoli.

Repost:: Airplane Etiquette

Nathan Fillion, Firefly and Waitress hottie, posted this on his Myspace blog today. I thought it was not only fitting for this time of year, but something to keep in mind anytime you travel. This is stuff we all know like the backs of our hands, but seeing it in black and white helps keep it organized in my feeble mind.

So, having done a lot of flying in my time, and a whole lot in recent months, I've noticed a lot of things one can do to make travel more comfortable and pleasant experience. Again, we can apply the simple principle of CCR. Consideration, Courtesy, and Respect. I've tried to boil it down to some simple practices that are certain to make your trip better.

The first thing I want to bring to your attention, is look around the airport when you are traveling. How many people do you see are actually joyous with the prospect of a flight? Unless folks are flying to someplace tropical, I've noticed that the prevailing attitude is one of torture. I'm not saying there isn't a whole lot wrong with the system, getting screwed by airlines, etc, but is it really so bad? Put yourself in another mind set. Enjoy your journey.

Start with a well planned trip. If you don't want to battle traffic, or wake up early, try for a later flight. Be packed the day before. Make a list of everything you'll need, and check it. My preference is to pack light so I don't have to check luggage.


Get up early. Be awake and relaxed with lots of time.

Be clean. You are going to be around a lot of people. Be sure that your B.O. or breath does not offend. THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. (This is actually a daily responsibility, just more important in small, closed spaces like a plane.) Bring gum.

Dress well. This does not mean you have to wear a suit, but how you present yourself directly affects how others will deal with you, and you will be dealing with people all day. Put yourself together, but comfortably. If it's a long, long flight, dress in something you can sleep in, but something NICE you can sleep in.

Be organized. Have what you need where you need it. Be ready! You are smart enough to handle it. Tickets and passports in the boarding pass line. Boarding pass in pocket at security. Gels and liquids in a bag and a separate place easy to reach. Shoes and metal bits easily removed. Show the kind of hustle you want to see from the people in line in front of you when you are late for a flight.

Boarding the plane, have a bag that will actually fit in the spaces provided so you can put it away, sit down, and let other people continue to board and have room for their items, too. When you make that last minute call, avoid loud talking. (This is also an everyday responsibility. How much do you want to hear half of someone else's conversation shouted beside you? CCR.)

Your space. Especially for us big guys, flights can be tough because of how little space is provided for our enormous frames. For shoulder space, favor the side that has no one on it. Don't lean the seat back if the person next to you has if you can help it. As for legs? Avoid spreading them like you got some big business down there. Cross your legs below the knee. You'll be surprised.

Avoid grossness. If you have a sniffle or cough, bring tissue. Don't ask those around you to put up with constant snorting. That's really crass. Really.

Getting up. We all have to do it, but be smart. How much do you like it when someone starts wrestling with the back of your seat? It's not your "get up handle", it's a chair that someone else is sitting in. Leave them alone! Use the back of your OWN chair to get in and out of your row. You can also use the backs of the chairs of the folks in your row, as you are already disturbing them by getting up. EXCUSE YOURSELF! Say, "Pardon me." or, "I apologize." Don't be embarrassed into being rude to people. We are all in this together. This also applies when using the seat back pocket. Someone's back is right up against it. There's no steel plate protecting them from you jamming oblong objects and water bottles in there. Be cool. CCR.

Kids on a plane. Babies cry. That's it. That's all. Don't be sour, give the parents a dirty look, or let out an exasperated sigh. You were a baby once. You cried, too. Afford mothers traveling alone every courtesy. EVERY courtesy. Parents of children on planes: Do not bring forty different toys for you child, do not bring a toy that beeps and toots constantly. Come on, now. Really. Keep your kids behaved, using inside voices, and stop them from kicking the seat in front of them. CCR. For families traveling together, always give up your seat if it keeps them together. This includes couples, old or young.

Thank your captain and crew. If it was a smooth ride, say so.

When waiting your luggage, unless you want to give a hand, get out of the way when someone is grabbing theirs.

Enjoy your stay!

I hope these simple steps and ideas help you and those around you to better enjoy your trip, most importantly, your journey. Be kind to each other out there!

Shutterbugs

I swear this blog won't become a 'Best of You Tube' showcase, but I had to share this:



You might know Rob Huebel & Aziz Ansari from "Human Giant" on MTV, really the only reason someone over the age of 30 should ever watch that channel. Rob is an incredibly talented Improv actor, and Aziz is a terrific stand-up. Together, they're Shutterbugs, the best children's talent agency in the business. Watch all three clips here and see what I'm talking about.

Union, Norma Rae, Union!

In concert with writer and fellow blogger Broccoli, here is a funny, yet somewhat informative, video of the WGA strike courtesy of the writers from The Office. They're even clever when they picket.

WOOOHOOOO!!!!

Getty Images

And how was YOUR Sunday night?

Still a little tipsy and possibly nauseous from beer and jumping up and down for joy. I'm not having another brew - or chicken fingers - for the rest of the year.

Special shout-out once again to Joy for fashioning me with a championship hat in 2004. It's my favorite cap and I wore the crap out of it in the post-season; it's now drying out after having champagne sprayed on it at the bar.

A little something to take the edge off

Ok, you bitter fuckers, I know we're in a time of war and global warming and a shitty administration blahblahblah, and reading Zach's blog lately is enough to put us all on suicide watch, but the next time you're convinced the world is going to hell, watch this video:



As long as there are puppies, everything will be ok.

Also, more blog entries updating you on my life to be posted soon, I promise.

All Things Bright and Beautiful

My little niece, Teagan, was born today at 3:25 pm PST. Six pounds, 10 ounces and 20 inches of perfection. And she's healthy. She's healthy. There is a God, and He is good.

Some pig, some ecards

If you've ever wanted to send a thoroughly inappropriate ecard to someone, I highly recommend someecards.com. I had a ball reading them at work one afternoon (and emailing them out).

Thanks?

Among the recommendations from Amazon.com for me:

"Gilmore Girls: Season Six"

"Thank You For Smoking"

and this:


Really Amazon?