What are you TALKing about?!

So, a certain guy who I may or may not have mentioned on here just pulled a doozy.

For my own sanity, I'd kept my distance from him since the holidays because, quite frankly, I was tired of being dicked around. And not in the good way.

So we talked last week briefly, the first time in a while, at which point he stressed that he was "absurdly horny". Direct, sure, but flirty all the same.

I invited him to my bday shindig, which he responded to quickly.....with a +1. So I sent him an AIM with, "hiya, who ya bringin?" Here's how he replied:

[17:05] ME: who ya bringin?
[17:06] Idiot: well....i was gonna talk to you about that
[17:06] Idiot: ive been seeing someone.....
[17:07] Idiot: and i was wondering if it woudl be ok with you to bring her
[17:08] Idiot: annnnnnd....silence
[17:08] ME: are you serious?
[17:08] Idiot: um
[17:08] Idiot: yes?
[17:09] Idiot: i am now feeling retarded
[17:09] ME: yeah, I think that's a bad idea
[17:10] Idiot: ok
[17:10] Idiot: im sorry
[17:10] ME: no worries
[17:10] ME: I just think it's inappropriate
[17:10] Idiot: ok
[17:10] Idiot: im wickedly embarrased
[17:12] ME: well.....
[17:21] ME: in fact, and not to sound like a dick, but I think it's best that you don't come at all
[17:22] Idiot: ok
[17:22] Idiot: fair enough
[17:22] Idiot: again...im sorry
[17:23] ME: hey, there's nothing to apologize for

I ask you, can you beLIEVE that shit?!

Now, by no means were we serious or together or even dating, really, unless you count a bunch of nights hanging out in bars and drunken hookups as such, but you know, there was somewhat of a courting period, and that one night when I stayed over and he fell asleep...holding my hand and smiling, which is when I stupidly started to care.

But I mean....REALLY.

To my mutherF*&#*@$ birthday party!

Giddy-up

I played the ponies this weekend for the first time at Santa Anita. I highly recommend going to your local track if you get a chance. You're outside, you can gamble, and there's all sorts of terrific crappy grandstand food to fill up on like beer and hotdogs.

Me in a nutshell - the last month

Old roommate drama, fell down stairs at work, busted toe, friend drama, friend drama, got the flu, more friend drama, people are crazy, is mercury still in retrograde?, spent the weekend in SF, partied like a rock star, chilled, ate some amazing food, saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party (which I HIGHLY recommend), drove back in a torrential downpour, came back to work drama, Mom comes to town tomorrow (so a good chance for parental drama), rinse and repeat.

And I have a big fat reminder next week that I'm getting older.

I got chills....they're multiplyin'

Ok, so I'm writing this after the fact, but here it is: I had the flu. Granted, it was a 24 hour bug, but jesus, it was enough to make my bathroom look like Vietnam.

I'd rather have a cold for three weeks than one day of having to choose which end things were going to come out of. Ew, I know.

All I can say is, God bless Homegrocer.com

Also, I busted my toe falling down the stairs at my office. WTF.

Uma....Oprah....Oscar

I don't have much to offer regarding last night's event de cinema, other than that I'm now even more in love with Jon Stewart than I was before.

Forgive me if it's lame to blog about a blog, but Dave Barry's account is so much funnier than anything I could come up with:

THE ACADEMY AWARDS
I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.
UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.
UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.
UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.
UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.
UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.
UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?
UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.
UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.
UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.
UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.
UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?
UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.
UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...
UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.
UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.
UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.
UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.
UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.
UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.
UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.
UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.
UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.
UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.
UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.
UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.
UPDATE: Hey! A montage!
UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.
UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.
UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?
UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.
UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.
UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.
UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.
UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.
UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?
UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.
UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.
UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.
UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.
UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.

God Bless 1s and 0s

I know wireless technology, and laptops for that matter, have been around for quite a while, but I'm sitting outside the coffeehouse around the corner from my place (yes, in early March. Let's give a shoutout to LA while we're at it.), completely disconnected from an outlet and telephone or cable cord, drinking hot raspberry tea, checking my email, smoking a cigarette, watching traffic go by just a few feet from me, and talking to a friend of mine over AIM who's thousands of miles away.

Pretty sweet.