Uma....Oprah....Oscar

I don't have much to offer regarding last night's event de cinema, other than that I'm now even more in love with Jon Stewart than I was before.

Forgive me if it's lame to blog about a blog, but Dave Barry's account is so much funnier than anything I could come up with:

THE ACADEMY AWARDS
I didn't see any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. This is because I'm the parent of a 6-year-old, which means I see only those movies where the plot involves cute but lovable animals who talk in the voices of famous celebrities, one of whom, by law, must be Whoopi Goldberg. So I have no opinion about who should win any of the awards. But I'll watch anyway, because (a) it is everyone's patriotic duty to watch, and (b) I feel a connection to the Oscars, having written an estimated .0000017 percent (by volume) of Steve Martin's monologue when he hosted the show a couple of years ago (my account of that experience is here and here). I'm hoping for a snappy, fast-paced broadcast finishing no later than dawn Eastern Time.

UPDATE: Everybody is very excited.
UPDATE: Tim Burton's hair was apparently styled by rabid squirrels.
UPDATE: In case you're wondering -- and I know you are -- I'm wearing a University of Miami shirt in green and orange. The stains? They are by spaghetti.
UPDATE: I can't believe this. Not only did I not win Best Supporting Actor, but apparently I wasn't even nominated.
UPDATED: That Ben Stiller suit? I have that.
UPDATE: If you wear giant matching bow ties to accept the award, they should take the award away.
UPDATE: Do we think Dolly Parton lost a little too much weight?
UPDATE: If I don't win Live Action Short this thing is rigged.
UPDATE: Man, they start playing the get-off-the-stage music the instant the winners get on the stage. Maybe they should just have the presenters heave the statuettes into the audience.
UPDATE: I think we've reached the part of the show where you can go out for a while, maybe play a round of golf, and not miss anything.
UPDATE: The makeup guy just thanked the entire LA telephone directory.
UPDATE: Women have to pull the coveralls all the way down?
UPDATE: Lauren Bacall should just put on her glasses.
UPDATE: So they had about 57 feet of material left over, so they just bunched it up it on Charlize's shoulder, clearly intending to cut it off before she went onstage, but then...
UPDATE: March of the Penguins! A movie I actually saw! Yay.
UPDATE: Regarding the careerbuilder.com commercial: I don't know about you, but if I worked with dozens of monkeys, I would NOT want to change jobs.
UPDATE: Keanu and Sandra sure are excited to be giving out Best Art (snooorre) Direction.
UPDATE: No matter what he is actually talking about, Samuel L. Jackson always looks like he is just about to kick somebody's ass.
UPDATE: NOW is when we need the get-off-the-stage music.
UPDATE: This guy fails to mention that when you share the movie experience with total strangers, you also have to listen to their cell phones ring.
UPDATE: They should have Salma present all the awards.
UPDATE: She could also do the commercials.
UPDATE: Although she is nowhere near as hot as my wife.
UPDATE: They are setting some kind of world indoor record for most montages.
UPDATE: This attractive couple is really into sound mixing. You can just tell.
UPDATE: Aww. The sound mixers are thanking their moms.
UPDATE: Hey! A montage!
UPDATE: Terrific speech by Robert Altman. For real.
UPDATE: At least it's not a hip-hop montage.
UPDATE: Did they bleep the hip-hop guys?
UPDATE: I like the fake attack ads. And I think Jon Stewart's doing a good job.
UPDATE: Those sound guys really looked like sound guys.
UPDATE: I think a deceased-person montage is coming up.
UPDATE: We're supposed to go to Tsotsi.com. Maybe there's a montage.
UPDATE: Another mom-thanking! Yay for moms.
UPDATE: American Inventor? American Inventor?
UPDATE: 30 years after Grease, and my wife still has a crush on John Travolta.
UPDATE: I can't believe I didn't get Best Actress.
UPDATE: I have nothing at this time.
UPDATE: He thanked everybody in China. That has to be a record.
UPDATE: Crash. Whoa. OK, then. Good night, all. Happy montages.