A Note About Forwards

I was going through a very old email inbox and recovered the following. It was sent to me nearly nine years ago and it's still the funniest thing I've ever read. It's a little dated, but still hilarious. Back when everyone was sending forwards like there was no tomorrow, I used to send this as a reply.

Date: Wednesday, June 23, 1999 7:05 PM
Subject: For cynics ONLY...


Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final
exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal
electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead
will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1,000 to you
and everyone you send "his" email? How stupid are you? Ooooh,
looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically,
this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started
by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the
Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant
stupidity. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your
own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 1: (Keep Scrolling)

Make a wish!!!















No, really, go on and make one!!!















Oh please, *that* person will never go out with YOU!!!















Wish something else!!!














Not that, you pervert!!















Is your finger getting tired yet?















STOP!!!!















Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one
is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the
Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent
and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks
again!!

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 3:

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school
on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She
then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed
down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a
waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain
letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car
and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both
died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day
for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end
up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser
friends, and everything will be okay.

CHAIN LETTER TYPE 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.

Friends A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is
someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath
smells like you've been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes
you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes. A friend is
someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is
someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad
life. A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs. A
friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... -no, sorry that's
the cleaning lady, A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters
because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on!
If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

AND FINALLY ... ARE YOU GETTING THIS????

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter
he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like
Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all
your knickers missing tomorrow morning."