Time to Bitch

Ok, Caroline complained that I hadn't blogged since March. Like Zach, I've started so many of these that I just haven't finished. But here's what's going on right at this moment:

I'm sick. I haven't been sick in two years. It's the shittiest of colds, and it's been going for a week now. I know, waaa waaa, but you forget when you're healthy this long how much this stuff sucks! All the meds, the kleenex, the sore throat... And can we talk about mucus for a moment? Sorry, I know this is gross, but we all deal with it. I am So. Tired. Of coughing. Up. Gunk. Really. My head and lungs are NOT big enough to hold all this stuff. I just keep hocking it up again and again. *Cough* cough* *gak* WHERE DOES IT ALL COME FROM???

So there's been that. And what do I wake up with this morning? Pink Eye! Yup, in addition to being sick, I'm grody. So there's that. Oh, and I started my period today. I'm so full of win I can't even stand it.

I had to skip out on seeing No Doubt tonight because of all of this. Yet another way I know I've become a grown up: I'm not even that upset about it. Well, I am, but I feel crappy enough that I know it's best for me to stay home and recooperate than to rally and go to the show and stay up late.

I've had some boy messiness. Long, long story. The gist: man who's drifted in and out of my life for the last seven years, turns out, not quite as involved as I'd thought. Oh, he's into me plenty, but not in any committed way. Or rather, in a way that could lead to a commitment. We're still talking it out, but really, thanks for playing, asshole.

This has all been in the last week. There's more to talk about, but I think this is enough for now. I can go into the Wyo house being sold (bad) and the upcoming two year anniversary of my comedy show (good) and that I'm hosting it (yikes) another time.

Hello?

Does anyone still read this anymore? Make yourselves heard.

Wherein I Gush Just A Little Bit More...

I just can't get enough of our new President and his amazing family.


Don't you just want to be friends with them??


Well hello, Mr. & Mrs. Gorgeous. By the way, I heard today on the news that Michelle liked the color because "it looked like it contained sunshine". STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU, MICHELLE!


*Sigh*

OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

I still can't believe it. I feel like we got away with something. Really? Really? The guy I wanted to win, the one who came up from nothing, worked his way through two Ivy League degrees, gave up his fancy law job in NY to work as a Community Organizer in Chicago's South Side, the one who was smart enough to pick someone equally impressive as his romantic partner, who remains calm under pressure, thinks on his feet but doesn't shoot from the hip, who's smart - really fucking smart, thoroughly competent, open-minded, confident without being egotistical, THAT guy won?


YES HE DID!!!

Beyonce - Crazy In Love!!

Bless her heart, she sums it up so nicely.

Yummy!

You guys, this stuff is amazing! If this were five years ago and I was a douchebag, I'd say it was "da bomb". It's the only diet soda that comes remotely close to tasting like regular soda. PLUS, it has no caffeine, so you can drink it at night with your pizza and not twich like a crack whore until 3AM.

Well done, A&W, well done.

The Truth

This is what my Facebook page would look like if I really posted what was going on currently:

Jen has not shaved her legs in five weeks. 8 minutes ago

Jen still has not unpacked from her trip, after arriving home six days ago. 17 hours ago

Jen has created three piles of mail on her couch: junk, crap I should read eventually, and bills to deal with only when I absolutely have to. 23 hours ago

Jen hasn't had a real meal all day, and has instead just snacked on crackers and peanut butter. yesterday

Jen thought that taking a month off from doing her show would rejuvenate her for the new year, but instead, she continues to procrastinate booking it. 2 days ago

Jen has ignored her To Do list for two weeks. four days ago

Jen has successfully balanced four drinking glasses in a Jenga-like fashion on her coffeetable. two weeks ago

R.I.P. Abby

Oh puppy, it's not fair. You were taken too soon. Eight years isn't long enough. :(

I Will Survive!

This is awesome: 8 Ways To Survive The Next 8 Days

One week and one day. I seriously need to take this advice to heart. Get away from CNN. Stop watching Rachel Maddow. Push the newspaper aside. If this is what being on top of the news is like, no thanks. I'll stick to reading Defamer.

Good To Know

I could survive for 47 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Hey You! The Rock Steady Crew!

Christmas is around the corner, bitches, and I think you can guess what I want.

Oh, hello!

Finally took this off of my phone. This is from a couple of months ago when Broccoli and I went to see El Goldblum-o play some jazz.

Next Up...

#112 - Celebrating the one-year anniversary of Rec Room Comedy, my greatest professional accomplishment to date, with some of my best friends in a packed house.

#113 - Hosting and doing stand-up for the first time, and actually doing pretty well.

More Up!

93. In the Pineapple Express commercial, when Seth Rogan puts his gun to his nose and says it smells like tapioca.
93. "Ghostwriter (Remix)" - RJD2
94. Jasmine's sense of humor, and her willingness to accept the people in her life the way they are
95. Seeing how naturally Caroline has taken to motherhood, and what a good job she and KB are doing with Nolan
96. Guacamole parties with cool, new people
97. Julie's success, and her happy life with Andrew
98. Watching Red Sox games with Casey
99. Eating at Toi on Sunset with Jody
100. Listening to Todd's funny outlook on life
101. My consistent, 24-year friendship with Amy
102. Swedes, Please
103. Going to shows at UCB-LA
104. Fat babies
105. Bagel Nosh in Santa Monica - FINALLY good, NY-ish bagels in LA
106. Driving down San Vicente Blvd on the Westside and hitting only green lights until 26th st.
107. The fact that even after 12 years, I still have to sometimes pinch myself when I drive down Sunset Blvd to believe that I live here
108. Pane e Vino
109. That clean laundry can sometimes feel like a new wardrobe
110. The miraculous birth and good health of Teagan
111. Jen-Jen's car dance to the Backstreet Boys

Up?

55. Hibachi House frozen Chinese food
56. Henryetta, my favorite stuffed animal and my most prized possession
57. Tejava iced tea
58. Clueless
59. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion
60. "Letters from LA" - short story in The Informers, by Bret Easton Ellis
61. Talking shop
62. How quiet Santa Monica can get at 9:30pm
63. Three-way IMs with Dru & Joy
64. A good haircut
65. Christmas decorations at any mall
66. Having coffee with my friend Jeff
67. The Friends Thanksgiving episode where Rachel makes the trifle and Phoebe dreams of Jacques Custeau
68. School supplies
69. Reading a really introspective quote about love or life or disappointment that makes me reflect on my own
70. Really good-fitting underwear
71. Listening to comedians drop their cynical nature to talk about other comics they really admire
72. Knowing in my gut that I made the right decision
73. Robert Downey, Jr.
74. Ryan Adams' Gold
75. Getting enough sun on my face to make my cheeks pink
76. Revolving restaurants
77. A meal of a sandwich, a cookie, and a beer
78. The scattered moments that last about 90 seconds when I think that I might actually know what I'm doing
79. The ballet of umbrellas in NYC when it rains
80. Being old enough to know that I know nothing
81.Wine from 2004
82. "Aristotle with the Bust of Homer" -Rembrandt painting in Gallery 13 at the Met in NY
83. The Fricke Museum in NY
84. REM, and how Automatic for the People takes me back to college unlike any other album
85. Knowing that Los Angeles is my home
86. The Black Crows cover of "Hard to Handle"
87. Shopping with Amy and allowing her to talk me into buying things I don't want, and then later on realizing she's right
88. Having Broccoli in LA and seeing her appreciate all the great stuff the city has to offer
89. Riding in Victoria's convertible down Sunset Bl.
90. Free wi-fi
91. Make-up days at Barneys with girlfriends
92. Friends who make an attempt to understand why I am the way I am or why I do the things I do in the way I do them, and love me anyway

Down

I just came back from hanging with an old friend who I don't see enough. We went for happy hour sushi and drinks at a place right around the corner from me, then went to a bar across town that has a bunch of video games. Some of them didn't work, and we were the only ones in there, but we'd been talking about going there for so long...

Maybe that was part of the let-down. I'm here at home now, and I'm kind of bummed for reasons I can't put my finger on. I have a lot of stress going on right now, so that's probably some of it, but it feels like I'm more sensitive to it at this moment for some reason. I'm aware that I'm down, I don't really know why, and I don't really know what to do about it. So I'm sad.

But I know that there are many things to be happy about. There's a comic, Tom Rhodes (you may remember a Saturday morning show many years ago called "Mr. Rhodes". That was him, which is funny because he's a stand-up comic. And if you know anything about comics, the line to a time slot normally reserved for Smurfs is not exactly linear.). Anyway, so Tom knows a comic friend of mine from back in the day, and Tom was in town doing a show, so our mutual friend coerced me into going.

I'd never paid that much attention to his act; I always knew he was funny, but he never resonated with me personally. The production we saw was less comedy act and more a one-man show. He's traveled all over the world and met all sorts of people (mostly a lot of women)...just really lived life. He was funny quite a bit, and also a little inspirational.

Some of what he talked about was a list of things that make him happy. He keeps it on his website; you can find it here. He's up to 1150. It includes such examples as "orange juice", "performing at the Hotel du Nord in Paris", and "knowing that God looks out for comedians and retards".

So, with that in mind, and in an effort to try to ward off this sadness - actually, scratch that, I want to kick this sadness in its balls - I'm starting my own list on this blog. I'll continue to write about bullshit like Mr Mister videos and what I'm up to in the future, but I'll try to add to this list from time to time. 'Cause dude, I could really use a reference point for this stuff sometimes.

And I encourage each of you to start a list and share.

So here goes:

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. Knowing that my friends, even just a few of them, read this and care.
2. Decent, $3 happy hour wine
3. Hearing the latest awesome, sometimes ridiculous stuff that Nolan is in to
4. Reconnecting with friends on Facebook
5. Watching 'Sex and the City' reruns on TV before bed even though I've seen them five times each already
6. Doing the same with 'Gilmore Girls"
7. The configuration of my living room
8. Having a piece of original artwork on my wall that was made by my friend Drew, who's a real artist
9. Steve Martin's smiling face
10. Coming home to a book I'm excited about.
11. Browsing Barnes and Noble on a Friday night with nowhere else to be
12. Finding a song I love and being able to download it from iTunes at anytime, even 3am
13. Hearing a room full of people laugh at comedians I've booked
14. Target
15. Running errands in my neighborhood when traffic isn't busy
16. Having a reason to be up at 5am and getting out into the world that early and feeling like the city is my own
17. Being at Starbucks that early
18. Being up that early and getting a ton of stuff done, and then taking a nap at 11am
19. Coming up with a finely crafted comment on Defamer that makes me laugh
20. Nebraska football games, both live and on TV
21. Red Sox bars
22. Sam Adams Light
23. Marlborough St in Boston
24. The Public Garden in Boston
25. All things Boston
26. Woodburning stoves
27. Flipz, the chocolate-covered pretzel snack
28. Rain in Wyoming
29. A point on Yellowstone Rd where there are no street lamps and no stop lights, only stars
30. Le Petit Cafe in Santa Monica and how it actually does feel like being in France
31. Making a mix cd for a friend
32. This free t-shirt/hoodie I won at a KCRW raffle that fits perfectly
33. Fishing in Wyoming
34. Hearing my Dad call me "kiddo"
35. Fuzzy dogs
36. Puppies of all kinds
37. Brunch at my friend Jason's
38. Chinese food
39. Finding a great present for a friend
40. How my car looks when it's clean
41. Dodger games
42. Walking with my iPod
43. Jon Stewart when he gets silly
44. How obnoxious Stephen Colbert's "character" is on the "Colbert Report"
45. The fact that the "t" in "Report" is silent
46. Steve Carell in anything
47. How Rainn Wilson pronounces "Dwight Schrute"
48. "Kelly Kapoor"
49. Eating at Mama's with Zach
50. City Lights bookstore in San Francisco
51. Tosca in SF
52. Vesuvio in SF
53. Breakfast burritos from the MTV commissary in Santa Monica
54. Coming home after my house has been cleaned

Ok, I need to go to bed, but this is a start. Honest to God, I do feel a little better.

I'll Tumblr For Ya

Yes, I've found yet another way to support my increasing web-narcissism. In addition to this blog, Myspace, Facebook, Friendster (ok, I don't really use that one anymore), and Twitter, you can now find me here on Tumblr. Think of it as micro-blogging. They make it ridiculously easy to import multi-media. But also, as technology has a way of doing, it gets fucked up from time to time, too. (See example, Omaha lightning video post.)

Seven Words + A Million More

George Carlin died tonight in Santa Monica of a heart attack. He was 71.

Technically, the term used was "heart failure", but I hate the idea of saying that. Sure, medically his heart gave out and didn't hold up its end of the bargain by keeping him alive. But in every other sense, his heart was far from failing.

He's a comedy giant. Just...a giant, a fucking idol. He is (was...I hate the past tense) a pioneer. He wasn't just a stand-up; he was more like a comedic philosopher king. I remember watching his HBO specials as a kid (my parents unaware) probably a lot earlier than I should have been. I grew up watching those specials, all 14 of them. Fourteen hours of new, really good material. Do you know what a feat that is? Most comics don't have an hour of solid material until they're at least 10 years into it, and few are able to move beyond that set.

My Mom used to try to deter me from swearing by saying that educated people didn't use those words. George was a high school drop-out, but he was one of the smartest people out there.

In times like this, most people say "R.I.P." I hope for the sake of Heaven and God (which he didn't believe in, but I do) he's up there, pissed off as ever, unpeaceful, and making everyone laugh like he did down here.

**********************************************************************

Enjoy this clip and delight in his delicious love of language:

Well This Sucks...

I just got back into town tonight, almost a week away from my laptop, and discovered upon booting it back up that all of my bookmarks are gone. GONE. One of the few things I'd actually organized (Job Stuff, Blogs, Comedy Promotions, etc). Fuck. I can't think that a virus could do that, could it? I mean, that sounds so specific, to erase only bookmarks.

UGH!

Anyone else ever hear of this?

Wave Your Hands In The Air

Joy and I were talking earlier this evening about the monstrosity that is Scarlett Johansson's new album full of Tom Waits covers (And no, I'm not linking it. That insufferable snot doesn't need any more help selling her whore-tastic idea, plus there's an entire blog-rant I'm publishing on its release day, so just you wait.)

I won't go into it, but we stumbled across this lovely gem:



Yup, remember Mr Mister? Ooooh, the deliciousness of it all. It's like part of a time capsule from junior high for me. Everything in there - everything - reeks of cliche. Only this was, I don't know, 1987? So back then, this stuff wasn't ironic. Witness:

Backstage hijinks!

Limo goofyness! (did the lead singer just lean out the window and eat sushi while the car is in motion? Oh yes he did!)

Random acts of tap dancing!

Over-the-head hand clapping at the "breakin' it down" mark!

Slo-mo jump in the air with the guitar!

Slo-mo spin with the guitar!

Entire band walking down the beach, lead singer stops to skip a rock into the ocean!

Running in place in front of the mic!

Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Did the limo break down, thus forcing the very band inside to push it from behind to help? Oh those guyyyyyyys!

High five hit on the beat!

Old guy playing the accordion on the boardwalk!

...and other casual snippets of their lives off-stage.

I had a crush on the lead singer for about two weeks, and looking at this again reminds me that he was kind of foxy. I wasn't wrong about that one.

Anyway, watch for yourselves. You'll thank me later.